Moving Forward

Greatful 18

2007-01-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

I am greatful that I am returning to school today, greatful that I have a good job, greatful that I am becoming more excited about my career. I am greatful for the new respect and love I am gaining for my person and my body, my new committment to honesty, and holding on with both hands to hope. I am greatful for breath, the movement I have with and in my body. I am greatful for good health, for my future husband and better life. I am greatful for my family, for God, for friends. I am greatful for my new burgeoning acceptance of self and situations. I am greatful that I am no longer searching desperately for friends or support. I am so greatful. I am greatful that God loves me, forgives me, uplifts me and lets me know that unconditionally he loves me. I am so very greatful. I am greatful that I can continue to learn and despite my rebellioiusness and other habits that sometimes delay my progress I am learning and moving forward, moving on towards my goals. I am so Greatful, thank you God!!

hey- If you are out there

2007-01-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

It has been a minute, but I am alright. Whooo. Anywho. I have begun the first of the year on a good note. When you know better do better. When you catch yourself doing the wrong thing, correct yourself. Be patient with you, love you. I am getting accustomed to telling myself these things. Growing into this.... this need to be a little rebellious at times, but not to hurt me. Nothing to cause me harm, and If I find that there is something I need to correct, do the best I can, where I am.

I am preparing my resume this week and looking for a better job. Correction, I am looking into starting my career. My career. It takes on a whole different feeling when you put it that way.

Stepping out firmly on faith ya'll. It is time I remind myself that I can do so, heck, the bumble bee do, and Lord knows that those paper thin wings do not look like they should hold up that body in the air.. but it does so anyway.

Writing in this journal may become a bit intermittent, but it is ok. I write for me. I write for me.

Excellence in the New Year

2007-01-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

I am not going to make this long. 2006 was a good year to me. I have grown, changed and .... became more aware of myself and others.

I am writing to remind everyone to be excellent this year. Excellent means being ok with where you are. If you need to learn something new - do the best you can where you are and incorporate what you learn when the next opportunity arises. In all cases, be excellent. If you are tired when you come home from work and you do not want to exercise or cook then do what is best for you - cook a meal or two on the weekend (bake a chicken, make a soup, cook a veggie or two) and eat that, stretch and do 20 minutes in the morning; walk up and down a flight of steps twice a day!! Be excellent where you are. If you do not feel like doing your hair, get a weave, rap it down, smooth it into a bun. Be excellent where you are. Not perfect, just excellent where you are! If you catch yourself practicing a habit that you know is to your detriment. Give yourself a hug and a reminder that you do not need to do that anymore to keep you safe, to make you feel confident, to make you .... better, then do excellent for yourself and get to doing what you need to do!! Make your life excellent this year. Allow yourself the right to smile, cry, hurt, love, hold, uplift ... be human. Allow these things. And while you are learning and gaining etc., remember that you are doing the best that you can right where you are, and this experience will allow you to become better, more beautiful, more excellent than you already were. Remember to pray to God, to honor yourself and others and to respect everyone yourself included. Be excellent and kind to yourself this year. Be excellent where you are.

I am greatful for life, and choice, love and hope, God and family and friends. I am greatful for breath and skin, lungs and toes, a mouth and a heart. I am greatful for the life I live, the hope I see, the serenity that embraces me and my life. I am greatful. I am greatful for the job that I have the one that is forthcoming, the men that I have met and the husband that is coming forth. I am greatful for the new standards that I am getting for my life. I am greatful for understanding that I am enough and worth loving, respecting etc. just as I am. I am so very greatful for my home, my car, my things. I am greatful for you dear reader, and the ability to share who I am. I am so very greatful for the blessings that permeate my life. 2006 was a challenge, as each and every year is. I am greatful I was blessed to be a part of it and to step into 2007 with family, friends, hopes, dreams and as always, God with me.

Kita

Story/ Truth

2006-12-28T12:58:00.000-08:00

This is kinda about me with some stuff changed around. Enjoy!

She kicked open the door lugging her bag and her purse. Cursing as she made her way to the alarm system, she noted that her phone was also ringing. Great. Turning off the alarm she turned, locked her front door , reset her alarm and placed her bag and purse in one of the leather barstool assigned to her bar. Somebody really did not get that today she was not in the mood for the BS, the talking, the crapping, the whatever. Not today. The drive through Midtown Atlanta was enough. Listening to a griping last minute wanting a miracle attorney throughout the day laid the solid foundation of her craptastic day. She needed a moment of pure beautiful silence. Just a moment to relieve her mind of the nonsense, the anger, the frustration of her day. Thank you God, she thought. The phone has stopped ringing and peace reigns again at last. She trudged, feet dragging across the kitchen linoleum to the refrigerator. Grabbing a slice of cheesecake and placing it unceremoniously on a plate, she thought about how truly sick of everything she was. She was sick of everything and everyone. They could all either kick bricks or crash and burn. Whichever they decided, just do the damn thing and get the hell on. Her job, her family, so called friends, and neighbors all needed to leave her alone. Being nice was way past the word over. Kicking her shoes across the carpeted floor and walking in stocking feet to her comfy beige chair and ottoman she finished her choice of a quick snack and stress reliever. Immediately feeling guilty that she ate the calorie packed yet oh so delicious strawberry cheesecake she sighed. Dammit. Seems like every time I get over the hump some mf puts me right back there. After reminding herself that placing blame will get her no where, she flicked on the tv. Thank God for remote controls. Then. The. Damn. Phone. Rang. Again.

Answering the phone politely but clearly putting out a vibe of what in the hell do you want, she soon sat shocked. The guy who she let in her home, left her with bills up the whazoo, that fool had the nerve to call her. That fool who left his clothes at her modest townhome, took her car and did not even have the decency to return it to her, the idiot whose on mother told her she was too kind to when she dropped the clothes off at her home, HIM. This fool called her home, disrupting her peace. This fool on one of the most craptastic days she had. Great. He began talking with a montage of excuses, speaking rapidly, occassionally stuttering, stopping and trying desperately to get a reaction from her. It was clear that what her good friend told her, after the fact mind you, that home was pro'lly a working drug addict due to his continually losing his wallet was true. This was not the man that she let into her home. This was not the man that went out of his way to help her, to love her, who held her. This was not the man who did these things. This was a drug addict. Standing up and attempting to remain calm, she asked him was he ok. Still expressing concern for someone who did her so wrong, she thought for a minute maybe she was a weak person. The quiet began to hit her nerve. He got quiet, then his voice cracked. Apologies for all he put her through, apologies for how he left poured through the wire. Sitting down, with her mouth wide open in awe of the call, the message and the apologies she waited patiently for him to be quiet and began to tell him the truth. "I forgave you when you left, I forgave you when I gave your mom your things, I forgave you as I got my car that you would not return to me , I forgave you as I moved into my parents home so that I could pay the mortgage and keep my townhome, I forgave you as a good friend of mine moved in to help me keep my home. I forgave you. I know that what you did you will get back, or unfortunately the daughter you have will get it back because of you. I forgave you. I have struggled but I was not crushed. I forgave you for being a crack head and I presently forgive you cause you must be high or straight stupid to call me. I forgave you and left you alone. Now I struggle to forgive myself and try to love another again, let them in my heart again. I forgive you, and I hope for you sake that is enough for you. Now, MF please get off of my phone. It has been a shitty day and I have patiently waited for you to finish your apology. Now that it is done what was between us is finish. Kick bricks bitch. Have a good day." She slammed the phone down once finish. Sat and looked at the phone like maybe it was a snake waiting to strike her again with unexpected, unnecessary crap. Breathing deeply to calm herself down, she again walked into the kitchen. She decided to have a tall glass of water. She decided to burn his SSN that he left in her home. She decided to pray. More importantly she realized that this was not about him it was about her. She got released today just a little bit. The monkey was beginning to climb off of her back, the one that told her continuously to be nice, that she should be glad anyone took notice of her cause she was a big girl, the one that told her that yes she was everyones rug or scapegoat when they had a bad day. No more overeating today, no more letting others be in control of her reactions. She decided to enjoy her day, love herself and get into doing the things that lifted her up. The gym was waiting for her tomorrow, 5 am came early and her size 22 was gonna shrink slowly but surely to a size 16, she was going to taking care of herself. Smiling, she pulled out the chicken that she baked yesterday along with the squash, green beans and corn bread. Regardless of how the day went, she was moving on, moving forward and though she gave in to the need for instant gratification, she was ok, she was ok. Thank you God, she thought as she put a low flame under the pots and began walking up the stairs to her room. Tears fell freely down her face. She was getting back to HER. She really had no idea of how many more things she was going to have to let go, she was going to face. She was aware it was all just beginning, but she was not angry anymore. She knew that whatever came, with her, God, her family, friends and yeah, crazy neighbors she would be ok. Life, and she, would move forward to bigger and better things.

Forgiving Me

2006-12-27T08:23:00.000-08:00

I have walked off of my path
trying to walk on the one that you assigned another
Lord, forgive me
I have turned a deaf ear
not heard your melodious voice
paid attention to your directives
listened to the whisper and denied its answer
in order for me in my pride
to be right
Lord, forgive me
I gave the very least of me
being nice to others when
you asked me to give genuine kindness
and nothing less
God, Jehovah, my Father
Forgive me
I allowed another to sully my spirit
to darken my view
to call into question my quest for you
because it was not their way
Lord, forgive me
I listened and hardened my heart
against others, against You
Lord, please forgive me
You told me what my name was, what it meant
and what you intended
You whispered in my ear often
BELOVED, I love you
I listened ardently to those who implied
I was not enough and decided that who I am
was in want
My cup runneth over with Your Grace
Your Mercy, Your Faithfulness
My life is Your gift
I squander it no more
Thank you for a New Year
A growing spirit and the reminder you send
when I wonder what makes me so special
in this sea of many
You answer unequivocally
Much like I love them
and decided who and what they would be
their purpose in my kingdom before they entered in this world
Beloved, I have given you all that you need to do
what must be done, experiences all good and bad
all work out for My good,
Beloved I love you...
and with thatI stand in awe God.
I stand in humble humility and Awe
Thank you for loving me
Believing me and always being there
Thank you

Change

2006-12-26T07:34:00.000-08:00

I am doing an attitude adjustment. Give me a second here . See sometimes change is not easy but a good friend reminded me that it is all about my attitude about it. Let's see here. So I am changing my attitude. I am able with God' to look at my life and the challenges that I will face and I know with certainty that victory is imminent even when all around me, including myself says no. Faith. Will. See. Me. Through. See, 2006 was about a lot of changing. Some of the changing was pretty hard to do. An old friend and I have to adjust to our new friendship, if it will exist at all. I have changed. I am changing from having a job to having a career. I have changed. I cannot do a while lot of blaming anymore, nor can I fix my family (had to accept that). I am in the process of changing. Sometimes the changes become rather uncomfortable, rather painful, rather... scary. Heck, I am scared, and that is real talk, but I gotta keep moving.

My goals for next year is all about me doing as EXCELLENT as I can in every area of my life. You read that right. EXCELLENT. I did not say perfect, I will do as well as I can where I am. Wherever that is, if I am learning, if I am growing, if the ground is shifting under my feet and I am afraid, I will handle it as well, as excellent as I can. That is my goal in my spiritual, social, financial, mental, emotional, physical all of the ways that I can. That is my goal, that I search beyond the common and reach for the best that I can in the place that I find myself in while I grow.

God is really good to me, and Christmas was good. A little strained at times, but good. I am greatful that I was able to share a little of me with all that I love and care for. It was good to have my fam around and to give to my folks, friends etc. It has been a bit emotional from me, cause I am about to move into some things that I do not know about, and things are changing with the people and things that I know. I have no shame in saying that I am afraid, but I will keep moving, keep pushing, keep living.

I am thankful for life, breath, family, friends, new opportunities (challenges), my home, my car, God. I am thankful for hope, for knowledge and for wisdom. I am thankful. Struggling, but yet greatful.

PS - I will be glad when this pessimism gets the heck on. I am tired of it now.

Kita

Pleasure..watch that intake!!

2006-12-21T11:43:00.000-08:00

Pleasure without purpose or reason is selish and is damning. Pleasure .... I know what it feels like to get caught up in the I want what I want instantly thing that is going on with my folk. We get credit cards, have sex, cuss folk out all for the instant purging the instant pleasure of it. It gets us where? In dangerous situations. Rape is about trying to get someone to mentally be beat by you by attacking the body. It is a violation of the body and spirit by another person by force. Bullying is the same thing. It is the violation of another's right to make a decision of what is best for them. If you practice this.... control issue stuff... it is for the pleasure rush of being stronger, the pleasure rush of being bigger, it is all about YOUR pleasure. When it is only and always about your pleasure with nothing behind it, catch yourself. Heck yes sex, it is good and I enjoy it and have done..... heh, heh. However, I now understand that it comes at a very high price of my spirit when I do that with guys with no attachments. I got what I wanted. Great. He got what he wanted and after a while it ain't enough... the instant physical scream his name out pleasure. I want to, I got to start feeding my soul. That kind of empty pleasure ain't for me anymore. I want more. I want the give and take. I want the kindness given and received because .... I want more. Pleasure, ummph. It is so sweet, and can be instantly gotten, trust, however, it is not going to be filling, not going to be enough after a while, it will be empty. Try eating and eating and eating oreos pack after pack day after day. After a while you will feel sick, and the pleasure will die. Trust. It is the same thing with anything else. Food, sex, drugs, liquor, tv. after a while though they are all pleasureable, they go bust and the pleasure principle kinda dies.... don't it. Family, church, work, volunteering yeah they get on your nerves, they make you scream, you may even leave church for a week or 3 years but you find yourself praying, cause you want that more, that attachment, that connection that MORE and it is beyond pleasure.......... it is so much bigger than that. You stop calling family, but you keep up with family business via that aunt that don't trip on you about your past mistakes and 5 years later you walk back through the door, cause even though they make you want to stomp their asses out, they are family, your connection and that something MORE......

Instant pleasure on a continuous basis, like a credit card that is used all the time for every purchase eventually, if not monitored will come with a high cost.. with f***king interests to boot!! Yeah it is good in the beginning but bites your butt in the end. That is why discipline is so important and getting that something more so essential. Get something more. Fill up on that. When the pleasure comes be it instantanteously or in generous or small bites, enjoy!!

Kita

Struggling with a bout of Melancholy / Greatful

2006-12-15T13:18:00.000-08:00

I just want to write. I need to express myself and then I will quickly do what I am greatful for. Today was a good day, I got frustrated this morning because I woke up late, and I got stuck in traffic etc., but all in all it was a really good day. I enjoyed the c0mpany of my co-worker and I thought about the things that were going on in another person's life. I will pray for them. Then just as soon as I was happy I became a bit melancholoy. Hmmm. I am looking at what happened. Today I was suppose to go and enjoy myself and take care of myself and now that I am to sit and perm my hair, read a book, paint my nails... I feel kinda funny. And now that I bought myself some pants as a gift to me.... I feel melancholy. I want male companionship, and a relationship..... I do want that. I know I am to feel appreciative about what I have, and I do, but I must be honest with myself too. I ate ok today. I really did, and I am proud of how much better I have been eating lately. I got a bonus and a gift from my bosses, and they made me promise I would spend it on me, I just don't know what to buy myself. I am becoming careful with my money..... when it comes to me that is. Hmmm. I will examine this some more when I am at home. I will pray about what just happened and I know the answer and the solution will come too. OK. Enough of that.... i am feeling a lil' better already

I am greatful for my job, God, uplifiting people and family. I am greatful for new friends and growing, improving relationships. I am greatful for moving forward. Lord, thank you for letting me know that there is no competition in my life and that I do not need to feel better than someone else to feel good about myself. I am learning to love me where I am and that is an excellent feeling. I am becoming accustomed to checking myself and having you check me Lord, thank you. I am learning, growing and changing and I am thankful for that. I am greatful for new adventures and new stories. I am so greatful Lord. I knwo the melancholy feeling is .....temporary and thank you for alerting me that it is because I think that folks that show interest in me will respond to my interest back in the way and time I think they should. You just keep letting me know, clearing up confusion, andGod I just want to say, thank you.

Greatful 17

2006-12-14T12:57:00.000-08:00

I am glad for an excellent memory and the great memories that I have. I am glad for my new playmates, (hi N and M!) and I am glad for the old ones that I still have- too numerouse and precious for me to mention here. I am greatful for my wonderful family, my mom, dad, sis and bruhs and my beautiful neices and handsome nephews. Work it ya'll. I am so greatful for a brandnew day and how I am reconnecting to the breath and to life. I am so glad. I am so greatful. I know that God is the reason why, and I can never be greatful enough for Him being who He is, loving me. Thank you God for loving me. Yes, I am a sinner, yes I fall short, I am far from perfect, but God values me and loves me. Thank you God for that. Amen Father, amen and thank you. I am so very greatful.

Jobs

2006-12-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

When someone starts taking your for granted and thinking you have to be there, what should you do ... I suggest shaking up their atmosphere. Leaving, moving on.

I like my job. I really do. Some days it is boring, some days really tedious. I do realize that the ladies kinda take me for granted and only one will come and say hello on an everyday basis. I do not need to be coddled, but there is no need to be rude or to treat me in a bad way. I mean dang, acknowlegement of communications and situations or even that I am here would be nice. I ain't begging for it. You will recognize when I am gone that I was sitting there. That along will do. Not vengeance, but it is time to go. I understand this now.

I am greatful for everything they have taught and shared and continued to share, but taking anyone for granted is a sure way of making them think about kicking bricks an saying adios.

Kita

Grateful/ Coming to an End - ode to me and 2006

2006-12-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I am glad that this period of being upset at folks is coming to an end. It was a long time coming. Yea!!

I keep being me. I keep laughing and smiling, helping who I can and being myself. Yeah, I still cuss time to time, I like my hip-hop, gospel, r&b. I still ain't perfect. I still got some (mucho!) booty to lose HAH! And you know what, it is ok. I still don't talk to that old friend regularly, and that is ok. I am not trying to fix all of that anymore. Every day I am working on loving me more, forgiving me and others, not trying to make others accept me, saying F you to folks when they won't accept how I feel or how I view the world. I am still working on my relationship with God, my folks, my fam. I am still moving forward, moving on. I am still living in my beautiful lil' house, in my dirty but good working lil' car. I am still here. I am still here. I am still here.

My regrets are becoming fewer, and I explain myself less to myself and to others. Deal. I am respecting my heart and listening to my brain as it rambles around. I am moving my body again, and it DOES feel so very good. I am remembering to take my time with myself and pamper myself... somewhat. I am beginning to learn how to face my fears, and my pain, my hopes, and my dreams. I still dream. I still like new music, love all kinds of music and love grooving to it and it is still wonderful to hear it played on the radio, from a cd and live and to share it with others. I still love to write, to sing to .... be an artists which is what I will always be. I still love words, and enjoy a good book. I love smiling... still. I am still silly I am still more willing to laugh than to fight. I still avoid pain at times, and I still hate to be wrong, I still have my friends backs when life is kickin' their ass and I am still there to celebrate with them when it is all good. I am still here. I am still here. I am still here.

I still am fashionable, big girl or no. I still can rock it and put you on your toes bruh and yeah girl.. I see you jocking my stylo and staring at me. You are damn right I am still beautiful. yeah I said STILL.

For the first time I can say that I am glad that I am still me. I did not change enough to fit. I like being who I am. I am STILL HERE. Living and breathing, enjoying and crying, fighting and sometimes giving up, accepting and holding my ground stubbornly, I am still here. I like the me that I am. If you do not like it, you know what you need to do. Get busy then lil' heffa, I gotta go. LOL.

This year was a year of letting go, of accepting that I am enough, that as I am I am lovable, loving, giving and all that other stuff that I am. I do not need to be fixed. I needed to learn that, remember who and what I am, who I have been and where I really want to go. It does not matter if I lose weight, it does not matter if I finish a degree, it does not matter if you are my friend of not, as long as I have God and me, I am enough and I will be fine. Just fine. I am still here.

2007 begins a time of bringing things together. Moving on forward ya'll. I am so glad that in the midst of it all God knew and he knows what he is doing. Despite what other folks tried to tell me - their last shots made. I am enough. If you don't like that, kick bricks. I wish you well, cause I am doing just fine.

Holla back, get the heck out, bye for now all you dumb bunnies!

Kita

Greatful 16

2006-12-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

Thank you God for focusing my energies on you and taking everyone away that needed to be removed or their presence diminished. I realize now God that it has been a blessing to me to keep my eyes on my own paper. I thought that it meant to not compare myself to others, or to try to compete with others, I am learning that it meant to focus myself on what is important for me so that what goes on in the rest of the atmosphere is mere chatter. Thank you for that God. I get so caught up, and you have taken my eyes off of everyone else. Thank you. Thank you for good friends who do understand where I am coming from. Thank you for a new understanding of myself, thank you for pulling me close to you. Thank you God. Thank you for living in my thoughts and in my head. I am greatful for this new walk I have with you. Thank you and amen.

Greatful 15

2006-12-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

Thank you God for focusing my energy and life towards you, thank you for focusing it on my present and preparing me for my future. Thank you for saying enough is enough and forcing me to move on, to let it go - the pain, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal etc. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me in ways that I have faltered, and thank you for reminding me that I and a lot of folks fall short. We fall short and that is why you are there and there is no shame in admitting that or accepting it either. Thank you God. I am at peace in my spirit, in my soul, with myself. Thank you for the strength to forgive, to release, to move on. Thank you for being God and reminding me that you are truth and life and love, and that these other folks are just human beings like me - flawed but lovable, causing pain but meaning to uplift. In a word they are human. Thank you for letting me know that some folks learn and some folks stay where they are on different subjects and situations and it is ok to forgive them but to also know who and what they are to me. I know when it is time to change and move on you will prompt me. Thank you for your intervention and lifting me up. I am so greatful for that God. Thank you, thank you. Working at taking the log out of my own eye, I know that is why you tell me to keep my eyes on my own paper. I understand now that you want me to see the whole paper and read the entire story, not just the part that tells my story, his story or her story. Your story, the only one that covers everyone is the one I need to know. Thank you for letting me know it is not selfish to want to know how I fit into the story. Thank you for letting me know it is not selfish to want to know who I am, what my purpose is in you. I get lost some times and you come to get me Lord, all of the time. Thank you Father. Thank you for music and inspiration, a closer walk with you, for clarification, for a closer relationship with my family and my friends. Thank you God for the new understanding, love, patience and respect I am gaining for myself. Thank you God for allowing me to do your work. Thank you. I am so very greatful. I could go on and on God, thank you for being better to me than my mother, father, brother, sister, family and friends. Thank you for being better to me than I ever could be to myself. Thank you God. I lean into you and appreciate your knowledge and listen and act on your wisdom. Thank you for telling me to watch who I share my gifts with, and thank you, I have not shared all of them Lord. Thank you. Thank you.

Forgive and Release

2006-12-11T08:38:00.000-08:00

I sat over my mom's house this weekend and I let out all of what has been going on this year. My mom spelled my solution out, "You are so busy looking at what you do not have you, who is not around, who you no longer have a real relationship with that you cannot see all the good in your life. Relationships change, situations change, friends change and you are hurt about it. Forgive your friends, they have meant no harm - sometimes folks simply do not understand how much harm they do to you because they do not understand that you prosecute yourself to the point of flaying off your own skin sometimes. Forgive yourself for putting up with crap for so long. Forgive yourself for not taking better care of yourself and for forgetting that peace at any cost ain't really peace. Forgive her, she really meant no harm and simply did not know when to stop trying to correct you. I raised you, I know you, you just get a lil' lost sometimes. Understand you have doen this to others at times to. Forgive any of your other friends, release painful friendships, memories and more importantly -- move on. Either they will grow, change or die. You are grieving for what was, and that is why it hurts. Either it will grow. Change or Die. Release. It is time for you to get focused on the great things, the healthy, the new things. Forgive baby girl and release. Go where You need to go, focus on that"

My mommy loves me! I took what she said to heart and start letting it go. It is interesting to me the comments that were made ( I sent it out over my e-mail to all of my folks). Hmmm. Sweet, Introspective (from a few folks!), Interesting. OK. Good. For me that is it. Moving on.

But I will share!! Perhaps it will help somebody else who is looking at years of stuff from someone and they need to move on. I pray that you forgive, release and move on:

Hi All-
I usually do this each year for my own benefit, but this time I was prompted to share. This is my forgive and release list. I will share my list of hope and love soon. I tell ya, this is why I can keep smiling coming into the new year a lot of times. I am coming to the end of my year of releasing. Yep, I had to release friends, people, situations and control. Still working on that control thing, but hey LOL!! Joy is my friend, and it keeps me plugged in to God. At least I can admit that I got work to do. I know some folks need to do this, or do it in their own way, but I figured this year I would share, it might help somebody who is struggling to do the same. If it has been me who hurt you or harmed you in this way, take a moment and let it go - release it, forgive whatever I have done and move on. I humbly ask your forgiveness and apologize. Anywho, here goes:

I forgive myself and others for not being a good friend, sometimes at the worst times. For being a know it all when I knew nothing, I forgive myself and others.

I forgive myself and others for not understanding that sometimes a friend needs you to listen; sometimes it is best to keep your judgments to yourself until you are 80% sure you know enough of the story.

I forgive myself and others for not offering the kind of support that is/was needed.

I forgive myself and others for needing to walk away at times offering no explanation and leaving hurt feelings.

I forgive myself and others for playing super being roles. Every body needs some help sometimes and there is no shame in that. Get over yourself! We are suppose to be interconnected for this purpose, to help each other.

I forgive myself and others for forgetting to forgive, and holding on to issues and pains of the past like they are your best friends ever!! Most of that crap is holding us back from our future. It has held me back. I am forgiving as I go through life and letting it go.

I forgive myself for gaining weight and moments of depression. Sometimes you must go through darkness to get to the light. I pray that more people are patient with themselves and get to the bottom of what their issues are, that they accept them and move forward. My insecurities, my pain, they are mine and not easily dismissed. I take care with what I say and share with others because of how what I have shared over the years has been marginalized. It matters to me, it was my experience. I can move on from it, but do not tell me how to feel about it or to move on, get over it. I walked through that darkness with only God beside me. You could not go with me, and I am glad you could not. Do not confuse determination to move on for forgetting the experience. It does change a person. Respect them for having the courage to move on anyway. I am a work in progress, excuse me if it gets messy at times. I understand and forgive you if you need to go your own way for a while. Don't forget to do this (forgive when you are going through) for others.

I forgive myself and want all others to forgive themselves for not always doing what is best for their lives. We all want to be healthy, living fully and free. It is a process to get there to that point that it comes naturally to you to do that without hesitation or resistance. Know that God is doing a mighty work. Mighty works take time, do not let anyone confuse you or try to make you think that if you have not done so overnight you are not "right" with God. If they do, smile and suggest that you both have a Bible study on the book of Job. LOL.

I release myself from perfecting expectations of myself and the ones that others try to impose. I am not a perfect person. I get angry, I get hurt, I ignore what is obviously in my face, I sometimes avoid pain. I am imperfect. I am not a perfect friend. I try to be there. That is all that I can do.

I release myself from past pains of family, friends, associate and strangers. Yes, things did happen that cannot be changed, nor can it be rectified. I cannot go back and replace the years, the pain that came with being ignored, treated as a commodity, not being respected for my own point of view. I cannot battle the world, nor can I get the world to always understand me, but I can appreciate and love myself and remember those feelings so that I will not visit them upon others. I forgive because it is how I want God to forgive me, I release because in holding on to it I keep myself held down.

I release the need and want for vengeance, grudges that should die, callusness that was not meant, judgments from others that did not mean harm but caused harm by myself and others, thoughts and irrational ideas about my person, life or others. If someone does not understand you, can't get you, won't try, it is their loss. Pray for them, wish them well, the very best, move forward knowing that you have been true to self. You must be true to you.

I release the need to be approved by anyone else but God. Enough said. I am not trying to, attempting to, please anyone anymore. Accept me as I am, or accept nothing at all. I am a work in progress. I accept the work you and God do in/on yourself in ways I can see, accept the work I am doing on myself and what God is doing in/on me. I forgive all those who tried to "fix" me. I am doing well, I am doing fine. Life is not perfect, but I am ok and I am getting better every day. Thank you for your support during that time when I was desperate for acceptance. It is a new day. Acknowledge and accept that. Sure I need support, sure I need the truth but try to flavor that with a bit of compassion & be ready to have a listening ear. I will do my best to have one for you.

I release myself and all others from debts of all kinds. I am released and free of financial, emotional (guilt, regret) and all other kinds of debts. Shame from the past I release. Not being able to do when I wanted to I release. Past dissapointments, I release. Feeling like what I had to offer and what I had to give was not enough, I release.

I tell you, this is so wonderful to do. You look around and you get so caught up, you hold on, you do these things to protect yourself from future pains and hurts. You do not live your life fully holding on to this crap. I know I can't. I gotta be doing what I gotta be doing, and honestly this year was about release. Next year is about gathering the good to me and letting go what needs to move on which includes restrictions, friends, new associates/ relationships, opportunities. It includes respecting and loving myself, creating new and needed boundaries and routines for my life, God, family, friends, hope, guidance and attending church. I guess I need to take those new member classes now. Hah! LOL. It means a lot more changes for me. It includes a lot of GREAT things. Life moves forwards and moves on and so do I. I am learning to.

You all are very special to me, and I love you all. I remember that God still loves you at all times - and you know you've done wrong with Him, so who am I to love you any less?

Smooches!
Kita

My Version of Happy

2006-12-06T12:14:00.000-08:00

I have really thinking about what this really means to me, how it is defined. What is happy for me. I did the how to get to a 10 thing, but that ain't necessarily happy. How do you get to looking around your environs and getting to content. I know one of the things that I have to do is stay in touch with God and be greatful. OK. I am at peace, I have joy, I do not worry much, however, I want to know what my definition is so that I can obtain that.

I know it is cliche', but I think it means enjoying the journey a little bit more. I have not enjoyed the journey much. I have not enjoyed it much at all. I have resentend the journey, tried to pretend like things were not really happening when they were, but I have not enjoyed this journey to me.. to this moment very much. I also daydream too much. Too doggone much. So....

1. Stay in the moment.
2. Enjoy the journey to your next destination.

I also judge folks... always against me mind you. they do not like me, they have an issue with me. Who is the they and why do I feel like this. Hmmmm. I am going to change that.

3. Start letting folks be themselves and you be yourself with them. Do not anticipate bad treatment.

Now, all those things have to do with my perceptions. How I perceive people and situations and the passage of time.

The other things I am examining is - is a hubby necessary for me to be happy. Is it what I really want.

4. Start getting out and dating more. Getting to the right person is a numbers game.
(yes, the answer is yes!!) heck I want a good, solid, sustaining relationship. Why lie?

5. Start believing in dreams and self. This is a no brainer. Kkkkk. Umm. I gotta stop placing limits on my dreams. No more limits. That is one thing that drives me nuts when other folks do it, but when I do it, a big thumbs up. Enough of that.

6. Cease over analyzing stuff. Crap happens to me, to you, to the dog etc. Why? I do not know, it just DOES.

7. Get involved in something I really give a dang about. I love to sing. Time to go back to church, join the choir and sing, sing, sing!!! yeah, take those new member classes.

8. Have the courage to say how I really feel. Do not keep it bottled up. Allow myself to become intimate (not sexually necessarily) with someone beyond my friends that I know from way back. That means exposing myself ya'll. I hate vulnerability, but it is by being vulnerable and real you get what you really need outta life. I know.

Greatful

2006-12-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

I am so very greatful. You know, I gotta say thank you God in this post. Just for being you. Thank you God, you are why I do the things I do. Thank you for setting me free, and for always being there. There is really nothing else to say. I am greatful for the life I have the future... the present and even the painful things in my past. I am greatful for life, fam and friends. I am greatful. so very greatful. It has been a really great day. I am greatful Lord, thank you God, I am so greatful. My eyes are watering up cause I know that my cup does runneth over. Thank you God. Thank you for favor and your grace and all of the many gifts that I am blessed with. I am greatful for each and every one.

So Very Greatful

2006-11-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

I am greatful for every day that I am blessed to breathe and try again. I am blessed with a wonderful Father and loving God. I am greatful for my home, my friends, my heart - I never knew that it could be so open to love. I am greatful for the power of love and the willingness and determination to listen to myself and to consider the advice of others. It has been a long time coming on that one. I am thankful for family, friends and good neighbors. I am greatful for knowledge and wisdom, peace and harmony. I am greatful. I am greatful for a healthy body and a developing spirit and soul. I am greatful for my car. I am greatful for the ability to give and to share. I am so very greatful. Amen and thank you God. Amen.

Greatful 14

2006-11-28T13:45:00.000-08:00

This is one of the best ideas that I have had, writing down daily what I am greatful for, so wonderful. So here goes again.

I am greatful for love and the drive to get what I need and want. I am greatful for my new interest in my health and my life. I am greatful that I have good health. I am greatful for my smile and my thoughts. I am greatful that I no longer feel like I have to try and fit in. I am greatful for brand new days and new beginnings. I am greatful for God and family, friends and good neighbors. I am greatful for a great and wonderful new future. I am greatful for the favor of God that I have with people, situations, everything!!! I am greatful for good music and an optimistic spirit. I am greatful for my new genuine dedication to ME!! I am greatful for the ability to keep my eyes on the prize. I am greatful that I do not feel the need to fit in but a responsibility to be myself. I am greatful for learning about love and myself, the willingness to still be available for love. I am greatful for good books, good coffee, good food and a new healthy attitude toward food, myself, my life, other people, new situations. I am greatful for school and the new opportunities that await me. I am so very greatful. I am greatful for beginning to find my new groove, my new life and getting comfortable in my purpose. I do not have to force it anymore. It is what it is. I am greatful for that. Thank you God.

Thinking about my niece, Alison

2006-11-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

I watched my fam over the holiday season. We are quite and interesting mix. LOL. Well I will tell you about my niece.

My niece is a beautiful, dark skinned, teenage girl. We hear her laugh and joke and kid around throughout the entire house. She will come and sit under you and talk telling all of her business. And I mean ALL of it. She has no qualms about telling you anything. I think that this is an endearing quality, and frankly I want her to be comfy telling me stuff so that I can kinda guide her around some of the ruff stuff, feel me? She showed me some lil' ugly boy that she think is cute. More on that in another post. I mean, I was not too mean about the guy cause when I look at some of what I thought was cute... OMG. WT* was I thinking, I do not know. LOL.
Moving along.

She began to tell me about one of her friends. It seems that unlike US who wants to know where are the kids, who are the parents, who hang around those folks etc. her friends mom is a bit too ummm..... relaxed in a nice word. Non attentive is the real word. The young girl called my niece o at my parents home one evening crying and screaming saying that she was raped. Horrible right? My sister,mom and dad went to see about the girl (I was not at my parents house that wkd). My niece was devastated, of course. See the young girls mother was not home. She was at work at night, so we were all under the impression that the brother was sleep and the girl was threatened not to scream and was raped. NOT. My parents even went to the girls grandparents house and told them that the girl needed them because she was raped. Of course the grandparents are too distraught and getting over there to see about her. OK. Ummm. The girl lied. She was sleeping around and her brother caught some lil' boy in the room with her. Come to find out the little girl sleeps with a lot of boys in the apt. complex. Shame. She gets no attention from any of her family folk and went outside to find her self some kind of pleasure. I am praying for the child. I hope her mom talks to her about AIDS and gets her some birth control Q.U.I.C.K.

Well, my niece told the lil' girl that she would come outside and talk to her from now on, she could not come in her grandparents house. Now hold on, cause at first I was like, why she made a mistake, but my niece contends "she might lie on my grandparents or brothers and I would HATE to have to kick her ass, but I will Auntie if she lied and say they raped her or something, I would have to kick her Ass." I could not do anything but sit there with my mouth open and then cry laughing. She IS flesh of our flesh, and that part came straight out, no chaser. Do NOT play with my fam. I will come see about you, trust. Moving on. Then she went ahead and said, "she can't come around me in my house anyway (it is the family house, ya know!), have these boys thinking I am going to give it up. No. I am not. Go do what you are suppose to in the bed by yourself boy. I ain't giving you nothing. NOTHING!" She is 16 as of this Dec. 1st and I tell ya, that made me so proud. She is the one deciding, she asks questions and we (my sis and I cause my mom is real old skool) tell her the truth. We tell her the most important thing and that is that she should decide the when, where, how and why of her first time, not the boy. We also tell her that most boys at her age (a) do not know what they are doing (b) might make her hate the idea of sex (c) the first time should be with someone you really care about/love (d) don't believe the movie hype - if he don't know what he is doing the only thing you want it to be is OVER quickly esp. the first time (e) HIV/AIDS and other horrible STD's will take your life or make your existence difficult (f) sex does not make you a woman and nor does having a child (g) conciously and intelligently making the decision with a clean heart, mind and being ready to accept the consequences of having sex (kids, etc.) now that makes her "Her own Woman" Nothing but some Truth.

That is my girl, I tell you. I pray for my beautiful niece. She is so vulnerable right now to life and peer pressure. Luckily right now, we (fam) are heavier than peer pressure cause she don't want to see us come and see about her either. Trust. I am glad that she listens, ask and more importantly thinks for herself. All the attitude and everything else I will ignore, I just want her to be "Her own Woman", to decide for herself, look and life and make good solid decisions for herself, honor and respect herself and God. That above all else is what I want for her.

Greatful 13

2006-11-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

I am greatful today for life and breath. I am greatful for hope and truth. I am greatful for good friends, family and a wonderful life. I am greatful for the ability to keep growing, I am greatful for the love I ahve in my heart. I am greatful for the ability to live grow and be. I am greatful that God is with me at all times. I am greatful that I grace, mercy and divine favor are always with me. I am greatful that I am keeping God first, I am greatful. I am greatful for my home and my neighbors, my community and my city. I am greatful. I am thankful. I am. I am greatful fo the gift of life. Everyday, I am greatful for good health and growing awareness of who and what I am, what my limits are and more importantly what they are not. I keep moving forward, and I am greatful for that. I am greatful for the opportunity to keep letting go and walking on. I wish everyone the very best. I am so very greatful.

Greatful 12

2006-11-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

I am greatful that I am becoming more secure in who I am and where I am going. I am greatful that I am blessed with air, and life, family and friends. I am greatful for good health, a good life, a wonderful home, great neighbors and an awesome soon to be realized future. I am greatful that I am no longer desperate for anothers' validation of who I am, where I am going etc.. I am greatful that I remember that I choose, and by keeping my eyes on God I choose what is best for me. I am greatful for forgiveness, repentance andGod's mercy and grace. I am greatful for humility. I am greatful that in every situation I have God and I have me. I am greatful for a discerning heart and spirit, and the ability to look more critically at situations and life and distinguish between the demands and wants of man and the simple, life giving, nourishing, word and wisdom of God. I am greatful for keeping that spirit of having no fear of letting things, situations and relationships go. I know that I am being changed and that though the change may be painful at times, it is all GOOD cause everything that happens in my life works out (Thank you God!!) for my GOOD. I know that God will always be there, He will/ He has send/t friends and others to keep me standing and moving on, moving forward, I am truly greatful for this fact. I trust God, in his Majesty, His Wonder, His Power, His Love and I am greatful that I have that beyond and above all else. I am greatful that I understand that the only standard that I have to live up to are God's and the ones that work for me and my life. I am greatful that I have the blessing to stop, get on track, turn around, make a u-turn if necessary and it is all due to God's mercy and grace. Thank you for all of these things and those things that I did not mention Father. Amen.

Everyone have a great and wonderful Thanksgiving. Remember, this is the time to truly be greatful for all of your blessings. Take a critical look at what you think you have lost. Is it truly a loss? Perhaps with a more critical eye, you will see the gain or the release. As one who use to believe that she had to have certain folks and certain things and do things in a certain way to be accepted, to be happy, to be "free" and have learned over the last several months that the only thing I had to have was God and myself, let me tell you, sis to sis or bruh, umm, NOT!! IF God is doing a shake up in your life, keep your eyes on your paper honey, let it go, let it go, let it be rearranged and walk into that thing, into your new life. Sing about it as soon as you stop mouringing over what you lost. Despite what some would have you believe, mourning is natural and God does not get mad at that. Don't stay in the mourning though!! When it is over, MOVE FORWARD!! Joy, trust me when I say this, JOY does come in the morning. You have a new and honest peace in your life, a sincere and honest peace cause it is not dependent upon any other players. It is all with God and You. Hallelujah. Thank you God.

To All~
I pray that all who read this are blessed in their spirit, that they are financially blessed, that they have the Peace of God upon them and they are blessed by uncompromising favor in every area of their life and that they walk and live in the Joy of the Lord. Amen.

Kita

Greatful 11

2006-11-21T11:35:00.000-08:00

I am greatful for peace of mind, getting active, breath, air and God. I am greatful for the opportunity to learn to love myself. I am greatful for the opportunity to love someone else, for the creation new friends, new job/financial opportunities. I am greatful for favor, and hope, prayers and dreams. I am greatful for my home. I am greatful for good neighbors, a quiet evening. I am thankful for balance in my life, for priorities being set right. I am greatful for good music. I am greatful for my present job, my car, the new Jetta or Passatt that Iwill get next year. I am greatful for life.

Taking chances

2006-11-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

I am really into protecting myself. Since I can remember, I have protected my heart. You, get close to me? It must mean that on some level I trust you. Until I know you, trust ain't happening. Once you show me that you cannot be trusted with my feelings, can't tell the truth, are abusive, try to invalidate me, see ya! I mentally put up a block. I know it is bad, but it is also the truth. I will cut you off. I will examine it later and then I will contact you so that we can talk. If what you did was disrespectful (without a doubt you KNEW that what you did could get your ass kicked!) you can forget it. A convo is not going down, I do not want you for a friend or in my realm of associates, period.

I have decided that it is time for me to take some chances with my heart. Why? Well, I want to be loved. I want to love someone back. That is all. I am suppose to love someone and join with them for life. This time, I will share my heart with a person who is showing me by deeds and words that they want the same thing back. I am doing the I will wait and see thing and then I will share back. Frankly, I feel it is better to get the guy to share with you first. Be yourself, be grown, be sexy, be friendly, be silly, but because I can be very emotional I am holding back a little bit. Just a little bit.

I can get into like/friendship quickly, and I am one of those loyal friends. I will look pass your shortcomings for years, and they can be major. I looked pass one of my using folk friends for years. She used this guy, I mean, knew he was interested and would use him up. Now, that ain't cool. I pro'lly would have looked to the left if this was for a short time period, but heck, this went on for YEARS. The worst of it was, she knew it was wrong, but she would not stop, then she would pick at him, try to embarass him in front of fam(his!) and her friends. Yeah he was a nerd and desperate, but NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. I told her after the first few months, if you are the stronger one and you know this is wrong it is your duty to leave him alone. It was like a parent watching their 18 year old son busting their 12 year old son in the chest with all of their might. It was wrong and unmatched, worse off, again, she knew it. She would belittle him and try to shame and break his spirit when they talked on the phone. I left that friendship cause I started to get the feeling that on a level she treated all her friends in this manner. And trust, that is what she did. Kick bricks chick. Enjoy my rendition of Dr. Seuss ya'll!!

Because I had to gain patience and ignore things at such a young age in order to get through a day (one day I will intro you to my crazy fam, but today ain't gonna happen!!) I love folks and live like this. Now I will come and stomp you out when I have had enough, but please do not work on my nerves to get me to that point. I am beyond tired of you then, I want to hurt you. I want to hurt you badly.

Back on topic. I am taking a chance to get to know and love someone, despite my fears. Despite the challenges. And yes, there are challenges in moving along with this person. I am not sure if we can overcome them, but I am praying about it.

Kita, taking a chance. Whoooo. Life is getting a lot more interesting ya'll.

Know where you live.....

2006-11-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

I am looking at all of the discussion about the guy ... I don't even know what the actor's name is, all I know is that he played Kramer on the Seinfeld show. I am reading this and responding to the reports and then it occurs to me... some of us have forgotten where we live.

I live in the South, hailing from ATL in GA. I was born here. Racism never left the South. Uncle Tom's did not die. I was born here, in one of the racist states in America. I cannot and will not forget that racist and opportunist (which comes in all colors, even my own!) do exist. You learn to live with it. You learn when to raise heck and when to go beserk. You learn when to let that slide, let it go. You also learn how to keep your eyes open, know where they live, who they are and how to handle it when it arrives at your door step. I prefer my racism in the open, thank you. That way I know what, who and how to look out for it. I expect it, and am pleasantly surprised when it does not raise its ugly head. I have convos with folks of different races, cultures and religious beliefs and clear up misconceptions and get some of mine cleared up to. Admittedly, I have some preconceived ideas about certain folks, but the willingness to learn, get knowledge and to be open to their truth, history etc. puts a lot of stuff to rest for me. But I have lived with racist attitudes and ideologies since I hit the planet. As a dark skinned young child in the first grade, I dealt with it from a teacher, Mrs. Wyatt a light skinned woman, who consistently attempted to break my spirit and to have me classified as slow. My Kindergarten teacher took her to the principal's office, along with my folks and showed that I was reading on a 2nd grade level in the kindergarten and had the comprehension on that level as well. I was introduced to the self hate black folks have towards each other EARLY.

Due to these experiences, I love my country, my state, my city and my people YET I know where I live. Racism did not die, it transformed itself into something more dangerous and insidious. It tries to hide in the corners but those of us who have lived with it and acknowledge its presence all of our lives know where to look and what it looks like despite its attempts to hide in the shadows.

Rant alert-

I know that capitalism, though good in many ways, hurt us in others and spread racism. I know that the reason a lot of poor white folks have issues with us is due to capitalism. Why do the plantation and business owners need you when slaves can do this job, once completely paid for, for free? No wages, no increases, no benefits. I know, and I look and I pity them in a way, cause they got played as we got used. But they STILL do not realize that they got played. Sad. It happened when the Irish came, the Latinos are currently going through it. If they are getting low pay, not enough to live on, having to work two and a half jobs, what does that say about my country? What does it say about our countries values, what we honor and really uphold? It is always from the bottom to the top ya'll, and since black were in this country at the bottom for so long, no I cannot ignore the bottom nor the racism that lies there.

I know, racism in all its forms exist. So does classism. I do not need to see it so blatantly placed out there. However, perhaps some do. I know where I live ya'll. I do not come to southern cities expecting it to leave cause thy are HOT right now. I know what and where racism is. I know where I LIVE. I Live in America. Perhaps you know this place too.....

Greatful 10

2006-11-20T12:39:00.000-08:00

It is the week of Thanksgiving, and I am so very greatful for so much. I am greatful for life, and breath and air, and hope and joy. I am greatful for good friends, and the burgeoning love and acceptace of self as well as he beginning stages of do excellent for ME that is going on. I am greatful for family and home, good neighbors, good food. I am greatful for family and friends, an open mind and heart. I am greatful and happy about how my life is going and that I am where I am. I am greatful that the hunt for the hubby has stopped, not because I am engaged, involved etc., but because I understand that it is time for me to be available to love and take care of myself and value myself. I understand that a man who I want to be with will love and honor that about me, and will be attracted to that in me as well. I am greatful for my relationship with God and how it is beginning to be MY relationship with HIM, not what everyone else says it should be. I am greatful, because I am learning to be patient, learning to accept who and what I am about. I am learning to love me. I don't believe, He brought me this far to leave me. I am greatful for that. Amen.

Greatful 9

2006-11-17T13:51:00.000-08:00

I am greatful for breath, air, life, light, and the ability to appreciate it. I am greatful for an inquisitive mind and the willingness to look for the truth. I am greatful for being able to let people go, for walking on, I am greatful for smiles and happiness. I am greatful for a God that does not get upset when I question or when I struggle. I am thankful for a God that I am getting closer to because I want to know why and how and about practices. I am thankful for my home, my friends, my self. I am greatful that I am in good health and getting better. I am greatful for rest and for hope. I am greatful for my faith in God. I am thankful and greatful for all that I have and am experiencing. I am glad, greatful, honored and appreciative of God's love, concern, protection and His loving attention that He puts in me and the world. I am greatful for my family and my siblings. I am greatful for my imagination and my heart. I am greatful that my name is what it is. Thank you God, such a beautiful gift, I am greatful that I can hear God speaking to me, That I can hear Him say "Beloved, do you know how much I love you?" I am greatful for that love and in awe of it. Praise God and amen.

Religion - a bit of a rant

2006-11-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

I am gonna step on a few toes, and I am sorry if offend but it must be said. The God I know lives with all of us. He loves all of us. The God I know...

I just got this e-mail from a friend who is putting Oprah on blast. Oprah believes that there is more than one way to God. I am wrestling with her take on that. I am wrestling because the Jews and being Jewish, who Christians do not study, learn about etc. are what our religion is historically based upon, and Jesus was born in a Jewish world. Yet we do not understand their doctrine, what they are for or against, and more importantly where and why we disagree. Those who do not know their past are DOOMED to repeat it.

There is no dialogue between the two communities, and I am not vexed, I want to know why, how, and what do they believe. I am not afraid of another's culture or faith, and I think in our fevor to say Jesus is the way, we do not stop and respect, ponder and learn about the basics of Jesus faith, life, and why he took the stands He took, what does he truly represent and do for us as Christians. To me Jesus is the Word. However, it does not invalidate what others believed centuries before I or Jesus (the Word flesh) arrived, nor does it circumvent the special relationship that God has with Jews and Jewish custom, beliefs and religious practices. I am beginning to look into this because I want to know God. Jesus is the Word, so He is definitely God, but I want to know so I better understand. Without knowledge I cannot gain wisdom and I wish to be wise and knowledgable about what, how and why I do and live my life.

I want to know what the people of the faith of Islam think and why. They too are under the arm of Abraham and they too believe the bible. They beleive that Jesus was born by a virgin birth, they believe it all (to my knowledge, still learning!) except for the Jesus is the Son of God. They see no reason to believe in that at all. They see no reason for God to sacrifice Himself (Jesus is the Word) for our sins. They do not understand the need for a Holy Spirit, in all things God is God. I am still learning about their religion and their practices, and I am truly appreciative of some of the things that they do and some things that they don't and why. I believe that it is important, as a daughter under a religion that is also from the line of Abraham to understand, appreciate this religion. I want to know about Muhammad and why was he summarily dismissed from the Jewish and Christian tradition.

I refuse to walk in fear and to be afraid. I truly expect that getting to know about these two seperate faiths which by the way we share some of the same ideas, beliefs and customs with will effectively strengthen my faith in God. I am not about dogmas or religion, and though I believe that Jesus is the way, I also understand that in the end, He too is God. God is the way. I do not believe in polytheism, there is nothing seperate about Jesus, the Holy Spirit and God, so therefore it does not offend me when people say that there is only one God. When asked why I have faith in Jesus I look at them and point out the miracles, the whirlwind that walked in front of the Jews in Exodus, who or what was that? The voice that the different prophets heard from why does God need to speak, why does God do anything, the time He was merciful on Job's behalf toward Job's so called friends, why then, the burning bush why that? If man is made in God's image, then ... The questions would go on and on with no answer, except of course my book, how can man have a soul, a spirit and be made in God's image but God not have a Holy Spirit? Why would God need to do that, why kill all the priest of the pagans, why knock down the walls of Jericho with a booming sound, why build anything to hold Him in or honor Him in, why build a mosque, a church a place of worship to Him? Why when God is everywhere and He owns everything, why does He need those things? It was not for God, it was for us. God is majestic and perfect and wonderful and Holy, and El Shaddai and the list could go on and on. I think it was all done for our sake. I would then present the idea that it is my belief that God came in human manifestation to bring His Word down to let us know that He is real, and yes He understands our pains, strains and in it all He was sinless and had victory over death because God is all and for Him, DEATH DOES NOT EXIST, not for Him. He carried the message of life, righteousness, His majesty, how to live, how to be and it goes on, and on, and on. He is the way of living and loving and caring and doing. He is the way.

I guess what I am saying is that, instead of getting in an uproar about what is being said, why don't you learn why the others believe as they do. Try reading the letter's Paul sent to the church, why don't you follow the Christianity that is set out in those books of the bible about how to treat pagans and other religions. Learn, lose your fear and learn and understand and agree to disagree and respect and love anyway. Get some humility and take that log out of your own eye first. I have no problems with taking it out of mine. Learning does not scare me, God does! In his book, the Bible He told us how to live and sent a perfect example of how to do it, but He did not expect perfection from me, and ..... I just want to know God. If that frightens your sensibilities then check yourself, if your faith is not solid and can be shaken by anothers faith instead of strengthened, check yourself and your faith.

Greatful 8

2006-11-15T13:53:00.000-08:00

I am greatful for an inquisitive mind, I am gretful for having a healthy body, good friends, food, breath, life, moving limbs, a giving and wonderful heart, God, my folks and other fam. I am greatful for joy and prayer and a good life. I am greatful for the blooming relationship with my new wonderful friend, and laughter, joy, and smiles. I am greatful that I am learning to love and appreciate God and myself. I am greatful for my clean and quiet neieghborhood. For all of these things, I am so very greatful. Thank you God. Amen.

Greatful 7

2006-11-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

I am greatful for breath and air, general good health, hope and dreams. I am greatful for new friends, and new opportunities and a great job and new job offers. I am greatful for my home, and my car, my clothing, new wadrobe, better health and figure. I am greatful for all of the wonderful things in life that I've been granted and the wonderful things that are to come. I am greatful for optimism and hope and angels that protect and watch over me. I am greatful for the watchful eye and love of God and I am greatful for being honest with myself, honest with my heart and coming to a place of peace. I am greatful that fear is being banished from my spirit, banished from my life and that I will have the courage to walk boldly into my future and into my fresh new day. I am greatful that favor and blessing fall on me like fresh dew, that peace is my friend and that my heart is as it is. I am greatful for every friend and associate that I have had, and all those that are too come. I am greatful and full of hope and life and love. Thank you God. I am greatful that in the end, You God are in control, not man, not me. Amen.

Back to God

2006-11-13T15:53:00.000-08:00

I have always gone against conformity. Every time I think/thought about someone trying to make or influence me to do something I rebel. My rebellion often does not make much sense. It would seem that conformity would make my life easier, I would fit in, folks would see me as being just like them. I really like the idea of being like everyone else and fitting in sometimes. At the same time, I do not like conformity. I do not like trying to fit in, killing off my spirit, my ideas and my soul. However to a certain degree conformity is necessary for every day social life. Which is why I do not mind bucking the system. I do not go to church, I do not do other things until frankly I feel like it. I believed, and sometimes do believe that conforming takes away the power to think for yourself and look at situations and information, traditions etc with a critical eye. I never thought about what God would want me to be like. I never thought about how I reconcile these feelings with what what God states that I must do. I forgot to obey what God says I must do.

I have decided that I must began to obey again. I must remember how to seperate wht God says from what man states. I can obey, I can support the pastor, I can support eh church, I can be there for others and that will not take away from me. I can still love myself and take care of myself and it will not take away from God and God will not walk away from me just because I take care of other folks. God is the only one who can fill the empty place in my soul, is the only being that can successfully feed my spirit and I need Him like I need air to breathe. I cannot do this life by myself. The trinity is my abundant supply, fulfills my every need, and takes not of my wants and fulfills my every desire if I allow Him to. He keeps me in the present, forgives me of my sins, holds me up, and reminds me of who He is, what He can do. I am free of would have, could have and should have if I follow His rules.

My friend in her own way this is pro'lly what she meant to infer with her behavior and everything. I simply did not appreciate what she was doing because it came off as a need to control a desire to control and to correct, not to simply be an example. However, I am reminded that the final decision is on me. It is on me to do the things that I need to do for my life. I must pray, I must obey, I must decide, I must follow. I am sad to see that friendship get tested and found wanting, at the same time I realize that there is a reason for everything.

What my Soul wants

2006-11-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

I remember what my heart says it wants. I remember what my soul, spirit and heart wants and needs and I am taking those things to God. From the man I want to be a blessing in my life, to the life I want to live, to the living on purpose, I know what I am asking God to bless me with. I am not a beggar standing in line waiting for someone to grant me my wish. I know what I asked God for, and one way or another, in my lifetime I will have these things. Don't get me wrong, most of this stuff is not even materialistic. Most of this stuff is about my spirit and my heart, my living and how I love. I do not beat drums in vain, my cry and my deepest desires are heard by the Most High. I am moving to the rhythm of life that courses through my spirit and in my soul. It is reaching my feet now, finally slowly coming out.

Later tonite, I will write out my wishes, my desires for next year. I will say my prayers and put my written out detailed dreams into my Bible on a promise in that Bible and then I will start moving forward towards my goal. How will I do this, supernaturally, with much favor, and moving my butt when told. I always get more from God than what I asked for anyway, and it is always all good.

Nobody told me, the road was gonna be easy, but I don't believe God brought me this far to leave me.

Living, loving and moving forward into my life with a smile, a song, joy and hope. It is called faith ya'll!!

You be good now, and I will try to. What? You did not think I would promise to be good did you? *smh* LOL

Kita

Greatful 6

2006-11-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

I am greatful that I am aware and I am growing. I am grateful to have a real connect with God and that I am blessed every day with an opportunity to get Wisdom, knowledge, love, hope, blessings etc. from God on an every day basis. I am grateful that I have no fear of looking into the past, facing it, making my peace with it and MOVING ON. I am greatful that my muscles are killing me (walked down 27 flights of steps!!) but I know that I can do this. I can be healthy and even though I am overweight, I am not that out of shape. I had to stop once due to bad ankles and foot issues, other than that I am OK. I am greatful that I am beginning to love and take care of myself again. God is here with me. I am greatful that God always shows up and walks with me, talks with me, lifts me up and remind me who I am in His plans and continues to surprise me with favor and love each and every day. I am so very greatful that God is God and unlike man, comes with no hidden agendas, just a whole lot of love, compassion, care, discipline and forgiveness. I am greatful for the content, joy filled, full and blessed new life that awaits me. Thank you God, I am so greatful.

100th blog/ Greatful

2006-11-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

It has been great. 100 blogs. Yeah. Ok, that is ovah.

On to other things. I am greatful.
I am greatful for my home, my great neighborhood, and peace and quiet. I am greatful for good friends. I am greatful for a full life. I am greatful for a buoyed spirit. I am greatful for my job and my car. I am greatful for joy, hope, love and wisdom. I am greatful for family. I am greatful for God. Amen.

Feelings...

2006-11-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

As a child, it was nothing for my parents and my siblings to pick at me (berate me) for feeling. Yep. I cried, I screamed at you, my facial expressions told you loads about how I felt. Over the years, the only feelings I could express without being humiliated was anger or a mask of I could care less. Whatever. My mom always told me that she did that stuff, picked at me etc. so that I would become stronger. Frankly, my mom, my folks and my fam were wrong. To feel is not a bad thing folks, and all those people who ciriticize themselves for being sensitive or wearing their heart on their sleeves, check out all the folks who pretend that they do not have one. Smiling now?
I think most folks care more than they want to admit, cause admitting you really do give a damn shows that there is some vulnerability there. I mean, look at all of the claims now that if ANY man shows emotion, unless it is about death, they are immediately called gay. They look to happy, smiling, not looking like they are bored with life or trying to rob you, oh, they must be GAY.
I never thought about it before but asking a person to pretend they do not feel, or not feel, not be hurt etc. is abusive, and pro'lly creates sociopaths etc. After a while, trust you do not have to fake it, you do not care and you do not feel a damn thing. After a while I would cuss you out, not care. I would tell my folks and anybody else for that matter that whatever their problem is take it elsewhere cause it ain't my issue. I did not care if you were hurt, if I was callus etc. Yeah I carried a chip on my shoulder, it was more like a boulder and I could care less if it fell and smashed you too. I decided then that all costs I would protect and see about myself and my feelings. The funny thing is that all these folks that did this cruel stuff to make me stronger began to complain about my apparent *attitude problem*. To be honest there was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but I do not open up wounds, even when they are not my own. I know that there is a lot of anger and hurt going on in my fam. The surprising thing is, I can also see it happening in others as I read their blog. I turned to food. Not sex, not drugs, not drink, hell with that. Food was readily available, I liked it and in large part it did me no harm. That is until I start driving, and got a better job which really equates to me sitting on my ass. LOL.
What I am trying to say is, people put up a front every day due to their circumstances, some of the circumstances are just everyday issues, some are a hell of a lot more serious. We all carry our scars, the bad thing is that we ask each other to keep those scars hidden from each other. A person cannot just "be". Those scars we pass on to our children and further hurt ourselves with and bring into relationships. I am working on healing my scars ya'll. I do not mind letting you know where they are (if I am aware), and sometimes I gotta use a little peroxide or a little alcohol to clean up the puss because my heart has been seriously infected, or my psyche has (no little white jacket or room needed at present).
It is nice to know that I can put them out here for folks to see, and that I can reach out and remind someone else, hey, I got that one too, I got over that one too, and so will you. You will be OK. That is what testimonies are for really to let a person know that with God, with faith, with forward movement, and sometimes just standing still, you will be ok.
In the end, like it or not, we are interconnected. Let the writing continue, even if what you write is garbage, even if I don't like it, I don't do attacking. Most likely all of us have been attacked enough. Frankly, I do not need addtional enemies and I dont go looking for them either. I will say my peace, mean what I say and get the heck on. Life is too short, and if you don't agree with my point of view, well then, move on Dumb Bunny. It is not like I invited you here.

PS- I had someone ask me why do I say dumb bunny. Dumb bunnies are cute but they are rather stupid as well and just multiply, and multiply regardless of food or space. they have beautiful fur though, on the plus side ;) In other words they are stupid. I do not like stupid people and I try not to say stupid a lot like I used to. So, I use the words dumb bunny. Tomorrow I might use blind eyed lemming, but right now dumb bunny is cool with me. If you don't agree with me, do you really think it will change my opinion? You keep thinking on that, I. Gotta. Go.

Kita

Greatful 5

2006-10-31T14:33:00.000-08:00

I am greatful for life, a wonderful job, good friends, a supportive manager, a supportive family, laughter, joy, my home, and my community. I am greatful to God for each and every day. I am greatful that I can lift my head up and say I AM what God says I am. I am glad that I am becoming stronger and more beautiful and bolder every day. I am Grateful.

Cleaning it up

2006-10-31T07:15:00.000-08:00

Moving out of the
funk and
the trash
that needed to be thrown
out yesterday
along with the
useless past and that
pile of regrets
I picked them up and
placed them in the bin
marked
Old News and pulled out the new bins
marked on the top with
God's business
dusted out the goal and dream bins
to fill them with new hopes
destinations and adventures
and rambled through the
friend bins getting rid
of all kinds of pest
crabs
mosquitoes
fruit flies
roaches and all disgusting, harmful parasites
I killed a few flies and spiders
threw some of them out due to
infestations of various kinds
I ain't getting sick!
took a moment to sit and breathe
fresh clean air
and
remembered that those books
with their discoloring pages
filled with lies
and ugly words
that others wrote and I shamefully
began to believe
I tossed those tomes of ignorance and stupidity
in the bins as well
Rest and Relaxed in my comfortable chair
surrounded by
silence
soft whispers of true wisdom
contentment and peace
to my suprise
forgiveness, future plans and present ideas
stood up
shook themselves loose of
the dust and
stepped into the light
to grow
and to my right
I noticed that old mirror that
holds my beautiful reflection
is covered in dust and filth from
my inattention it has either got to go
or be refurbished
Smiling now as I remember the beautiful lil' girl
who believed in herself and her gifts
that mirror I will keep and
make mine again
Starting my revolutionary life
Taking no prisoners
and no trash
It is time to groom my room
and see the new possibilities
free myself of the filth and dust of yesteryear
and place it out on the corner for
Trash pick up day is every day
with my spirit and soul
A brandnew day, a brandnew time
I am bringing fresh vibrant paints
new ideas
the journey is beginning - again
Freedom is gonna look real good
in my space, in my life
and on me
Watch out for your invite
to the Grand Opening

@Kita

Getting to "10" Basics - Nay/ yay on those WORDS

2006-10-30T12:52:00.000-08:00

I looked at the title of the blog and in those words I was reminded what I was to be to myself "I am my own woman" Words are powerful and they vibrate back to you what you say, how you feel, where you are emotionally, physically etc. Words are powerful. I remembered then that I create what kind of woman I am. God gives me that right, and I will not let another take that from me "I AM MY OWN WOMAN!" Powerful words.

I forgot the power of words, though words are what broke me and words are what hurt me. Actions speak loudly. Speaking, enunciating, saying, telling words. That is why actions hurt cause that symbol of their disdain when they looked you up and down and spit at you told you I disrespect you, I don't like you, I hate you, I dis- you on some level. It speaks down to your core, that hurt, that pain, that tear in your soul is due to what somebody told you with their actions how they feel about you. Giver a person in pain a hug and without saying a word they know that you care. Actions speak. Words have power and actions sometimes expresses them or merely backs them up. Along the way I/we as a people have forgotten about that power and I/we have forgotten that the words are being said even if you do not say a word out loud. Cause actions, SPEAK loudly. Just like whispered defiance or triumph or determinations speaks still intent, so do the words that course through your head that are rememberances of your childhood, or when you were a teenager, when that aunt/ uncle/ friend/ stranger or that liar satan made that dark mark against you and aimed it at your soul for their own selfish reasons, or did not clarify the why or how come they did, said or behaved in such a way. That pain lives in you unless you set it free. All of this speaking we do on so many levels. Be honest with it, do not hide how you truly feel and see life but be mindful of what you are saying too.

You must set that pain free and not hold it in to yourself. Truly, you must. I have been sexually molested and it was by a cousin I trusted. I must set that free. My friends walked away from me during the worst times in my life and then had/ve the audacity to try to sit back and judge and convict who and what I am, I must set that free. My parents, I could write a book about the pain they caused due to their being caught up in their own painful childhood memories, I must set that free. I cannot continue to let their words, that hurt eat at my soul and at the core of who I am. I do not play second fiddle cause you think that you are first, in your own life yes. In my life you are important to me, but you are not THE important thing.

The only way to combat the pain is by using the very things that were used against you, time and new words, new definitions of who and what you are. For instance, you are not depressed, you are having a brief moment of doubt. You are not losing weight, you are releasing yourself to a new life. You are not dumb or stupid, you have been fooled and you are gaining clarity. You are not ugly, you are attractive and beautiful. There is no reason for you to carry shame and regret, you made mistakes and you make corrections and you have learned. You are not a failure, you are a person who struggles in some areas and you overcome. You are not caught in a matrix and confused, you are walking faithfully though you cannot see you trust.

People try to fool you with their words. They will use your faith against you. "If you trusted God your life will be better, you will have a husband, your life will be perfect, you will have no issues. " They need to read Job. They need to remember that if God is with you they are NO ONE to try to be against you. They ought to sit down some where. Like they know understand and can direct the will of God. Either you trust God to work in a persons life in the way it is fit as far as S/He is concerened or you do not. Sometimes God takes you through to make your life an example to those who doubt so they can see the majesty for themselves. Faith says that even in the midst of pain God is with you and that everything works out for the good. How come people start attacking folks when they are down and saying it is them and that God must not be with them to me, considering that the Word says that everything works out for the Good and Glory of God, I do nut get that. I pray for folks like that. Watch, listen to, dissect and appreciate them ..words. Make them your best friend.....and make sure that they honor God, they honor you and do not be afraid to correct someone when they use words against you. Stand firm, and correct those who prosecute you but "really" know you not. I have let this go on in my life for a while and now I am stopping the madness today.

Words start wars, soothe souls, keep the faithful faithful and with hope. Be mindful of what you say to yourself, what you say to others. I must first start with the basics, so I am being careful of what I let go in and out of my head and into the world from my mouth. These are the basics and it shapes your world. Check out the symbols you place out there that represent you. Check your rhymes, check your words, check your actions and then check your life as well as the decisions you are currently making. All of those words/ actions are saying something, trust.

So with that in mind, this is what I say about moi/ myself and I:
I am the joy, love and righteousness of God. I am beautiful and special and respectful, I am shapely, queenly, lovely, I am victorious, I am determined. I am a learner, a leader, a follower and a servant. I am what God says I am. I am humble. I am a force to be reckoned with. The silence that sits in my soul is wisdom and the Holy Spirit. The Word, my Jehovah, my Jesus walks with me, talks to me, soothes me, strengthens me and gives me rest. I am not afraid. I am bold, I am loving, caring and shy. I am sensual, sexual and open to wonderful, caring, uplifiting people and situations. I smile, I laugh, I defend verbally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I am a child of God. I am. I am joy, I am friendly. I am a believer in Christ. I am. I am cool, relaxed, typically non violent, I am a lover of people and my own space, I am healthy and I am whole. I am a creation that you will never comprehend, like I shall always learn something new and wonderful about you so embrace that enigmatic, charismatic part of yourself as well. I am the hotness, I am the one that makes you want to get close. I am a sweet, good, wonderful woman with a sweet, warm, wise, kind, soul that can be in warrior (bitch to some) swagger when I need to. God took me from man. Why are you so surprised, I was blessed with this and I will surely use it. I can call or whisper your name and you feel me. I am a wonderful, God fearing, loving, passionate, caring, relationship loving, uplifiting, woman of God. I have favor from God all around me, I listen to and I obey God's commands, I repent, I hope and I try again, and again and again. I am a lover of peace and people and I enjoy my solitude as well. I am creative, I am a complex woman, and I am a wonderful woman. God loves me.

I have decided, that I am the author of this book with the stamp of Kita . I tear out all of the pages from other folks who decided that with my permission (sadly) that they had the right to write, imply something negative about my person because I am not perfect to them or what they think that will be, or did not have a perfect life. I ain't no victim nor am I somebody to pity. I am the victory of the people, I am what God has called me to be, and no, I ain't proving it. I am living it though. Watch me now, cause it starts today.

I am whatever God and I say I am. Keep your negative words about my person to yourself, and keep your mouth off of my name. I am going back to the basics and erasing, burning, tossing all of the mess out of my book that is being written about me that I have allowed others to write. Your words are being trashed and have been rejected after further review. I am not perfect to yoy, but dang if I will allow and imperfect trying to (need to!) get their own self together and do some real introspection person block me from my joy, my life, my destiny, my happiness or my purpose. I am perfectly where I am destined and suppose to be. I pay for no one else hurts, mistakes or hang ups. Get over YOURSELF. I am.

Watch what you say to me. Take care now. I am putting my crown back on cause I don't get my halo until I get to heaven.

Kita

Greatful 4

2006-10-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

I am greatful for rain, I am greatful for sun and air and the wind. I am greaful for the changing of seasons. I am greatful for life and death. I am greatful for God and the promise. I am greatful for hope and rebirth. I am greatful for me and all that I am. I am greatful for the opportunity to embrace and love all of me. I am greatful for true friends. I am greatful for no limits, new journeys and old memories. I am greatful.

Amen.

Greatful 3

2006-10-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

I am greatful for rest, home, and safety. I am greatful for my meal and having a good night sleep. I am greatful for directv. I am greatful for life. I am greatful for a new perspective. I am greatful for God and the life that I have.

Solitude

2006-10-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

I
sit alone in the
secluded space of my mind
caught up in its
creative run and
I lose time
I am greatful for the solitude, the break from constant chatter
I am
greatful for the thoughts that run thru
my head
and now I take the time to listen to
the Divine voice of wisdom that speaks lovingly in my head
offering correction
protection
concern and
inspiration
I rest and can now remember what the sound
of rain sounds like
on my roof and against the windows
the sounds of nature
of life
no longer offends
I soak for long periods
in the tub listening to
Dwele or Raheem
and relax
Or I can groove to the jazz that
plays in my head
I can enjoy the satin as it wraps around
my ankles making me feel naughty and sensual
I have time now to soothe my skin with
mango created creations with shea butter or cocoa butter will do
Soft skin feels good
and I enjoy the scent of me
(would you like to take a bite?)
I am
taking the time
to be truly feminine and enjoying it
Being me and reveling in it
taking the time
to relax back into me
I got Jill Scott on and a little India Arie
and Jaguar Wright is in the CD
and with their words I connect back to who
and what I am and where I am going
so
I am no longer fighting this
Solitude
It is becoming my balm
It is my peace
I fight it no more
Bring it on
and please
shut the door on your way out

Kita @2006

Greatful 2

2006-10-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

I am greatful for this time of silence, I am greatful for this rebirth of faith in self, I am greatful for a willing and humble spirit, I am greatful for good friends, I am greatful for my soon to come husband and child, I am greatful for my soon to come new home, car and opportuinities. I am greatful for my soon to come healthy weight loss. I am greatful for smiles, I am greatful for peace. I am greatful for my car, I am greatful for my home. I am greatful for the love of family and friends. I am greatful for the job that I have and the new opportunity that is coming soon. I am greatful for a mind that keeps me entertained. I am greatful that perfection is not my goal, but living and learning about life is. I am greatful for courage, bravery and hope. I am greatful for and to God for all that I have, all that I am and more importantly all that S/He is. I am greatful for grace, favor, and blessing and again, again I say hope - faith.

Getting to "10" Continued

2006-10-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

Ok. I am tired of living in Clayton County. I am tired of the folks who do not seem to understand that they need to have more streets to the expressway, more ways to get out of dodge and ...... stop doing 50 million new strip malls and putting them in front of expensive, nice homes. I am tired of the lacksadasial way the county is run period. Time to go.

BY December, 2007 I will sell my townhome with a 15K profit and into my own brick home on a flat surface with .5 acre of land and a garage. The home will come equipped already with programmable heating and cooling system that is in excellent shape, a large kitchen 1 master bath with a jacuzzi tub, a bath with a shower/bath combo for the guest room and a 1/2 bath. I will have an island in my kitchen. The master bedroom will be large enough for a queen sized bed, and 4 other large pieces of furniture and a walk in closet. There will be an area for a chair and table in the master bedroom. The kitchen, living room and dining room will have excellent room partitions but be more than comfortable for company (an open floor plan!). The doors on the outside will also have metal security doors with dead bolts. They will be in excellent condition, the security doors will be able to let air in. The pipes will be in excellent condition, the appliances (ALL) will be in excellent condition. My stove/ oven and hot water heater will be gas and the other appliances will be electric and they will be included in the home. The halls will be arched and the home will be in a cottage style, kinda french like in a secure, safe, clean neighborhood with expectations for the next 10-30 years of continued growth without overcrowding. I will be able to get home and to work in 30 minutes or less and I will have multiple access to different highways and street ways to and from home/ school/ work. I will live 15-20 minutes away from my folks. I will have an alarm system already installed in my home upon purchase by the current home owner and the home will be structurally sound with no structural/ pest infestation/ or rotting wood/ bad gutters/ water run off issues. Directv will be available in this neighborhood as well as fast access DSL. The floors will be hardwood in the bedrooms, and in the dining and living room and the kitchen and bathroom will have neutral colored tiles. The home will be a find at no more than 5K more for the total price of the home than what I am currently paying, my interest rate will be .5 below what I have now and the area of the space will be 1400-1600 square feet. My mortgage will go up by $80. I am praying this in Jesus name, knowing that God may find it fit to change this plan and going along fully with what He decides is best for me and adjustments will be made as needed . Amen.

Changes are going on ya'll.

Kita

Greatful

2006-10-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

Dear God, it which consists of everything I am, both male and female and ultimately Love,

I am greatful for the sun that warms my skin, the love I have within, the joy that radiates inside, the courage to take a step forward, God and love, hope and wisdom, creativity and good sex, good men and laughter, good women and great friendships, the ability to forgive and with time to forget. I am greatful that I am learning to step out of my box, to love myself, and to have the ability and the funds to help those that I can along the way. I am greatful for this time that I am single, and I thank you in advance for the wonderful life, home, husband, car, joy, love, sharing, giving, receiving, growing that is to come. I thank you for the love that I feel for everyone daily and the ability to see others in their silliness and judging and try to gallantly not return the favor. Thank you for all of these things God.

Your loving, caring, growing servant,

Kita

To the "Good Guys"

2006-10-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

I responded to a guy who wrote about his "Good Guy Syndrome" in Essence, and I figured this is a good post for all of the "Good Guys" . Please heed.

1.) Listen to what she tells you and spot the drama. If she is telling you that there is ridiculous amounts of drama going on and it is not all from the guy ie. he is stalking her or harassing her on some level, take heed. For instance, if everything that is wrong with her and her baby daddy is HIS fault, check the drama line. A relationship takes two, she is choosing how she deals with him too.

2.) Watch what she does. She should try to keep her word. She should be considerate of you. She should express how she feels when she feels comfortable with you (after date 4). Does she offer to pick up the bill, to pay the tip to meet you and treat you to coffee etc. Is she selfish? Watch what she does. It is the same thing I have learned to do with guys, do it with the women you meet.

3.) Is she comfortable talking about her family relationships or is it full of crazy drama? Is that drama brought on by a family that has serious issues, if so, check your girl. Look for those tendencies. Is she going from relationship to relationship with little than 2-3 months in between? Is she taking time to examine what is going on with her, her heart, her life etc. and to make adjustments in what she desires or what she wants or what she did wrong? Her willingness to do self examination is an important thing for you to note. Her willingness to take care of herself and her emotions is very important for you to note. It cuts down on drama in the relationship.

4.) Take the rose colored glasses off. You cannot fix somebody. You are not Neo. You are a good man who is looking for a good woman. Someone with issues, yeah, but someone who is willing to grow. Look for a woman who can laugh at herself and does some type of introspection. Look for a woman who when she sees she is the issue she works or looks for positive ways to change or work on it herself. You are not Superman, you are a super man to be with though. Feel me?

5.) Listen to see if she tells you about a guy she sent on his way, or even who she finds attractive and listen to why. Yeah, it is hard to do, but you need to know if she is materialistic, is she a user, is she a groupie, is she an attention whore, is drama her best friend. You need to know. Make sure you take the time to know. Date other women, or go out with your female friends. Converse with the ones that you trust about how the dates have gone and what you guys discussed. Get a females point of view of what/ how things are going.

6.) Check your list of mate requirements. Make sure you do not have something on that list that is attracting someone you do not really want. For instance, a lot of guys have "She needs me" on her list. I suggest that you change the language. Maybe "She wants me to be an important, intelligent, loving and caring man in her life". That means that she wants you there so she is willing to do the work to maintain the relationship.

Good Luck Guys in finding the woman that will make you a wonderful wife. A friend of mine had to tell me these things about men, so I hope these suggestions works for you too.

Letting go

2006-10-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

Letting Go
I am not holding on to
pain
or resentment
or rejection
or the past
I am letting my heart take me somewhere new
I am
Letting go of what I hold on to
somewhat selfishly
of love
of kindness
of charity
releasing it to the world so that
I can share my heart with others
I am
Letting go
of times when I was committed and they left
of times when I was alone and they did not reach out to me
of times when I cried and they did not wipe my tears
People get in their own matrixes and do not understand the value of friendship
until it is gone
It has all been a lesson
I am not walking in this circle anymore
I am not crying new tears into this dirt
I will not be defeated by thoughts of a past life
with a heart heavy and full of past mistakes and regrets
I am
I will
I can
Live fully
I must
Today I take the first steps
by letting go
no more trying to fit a square in a circle
no circling around a person who is trying to leave
no more impeding anothers or my growth
today I am allowing the Fall and Winter
to let things die and allow
a new birth to start in my soul
I am
Letting it go
Letting it all go
Including the boxes I threw "me" in
I am
Purging pain, failure and hurt and dissapointment
in me and others
and in God
I am
I will
I can
I must
Let go
so that I can be free
I must
let go

Me Content

2006-10-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

By getting to "10" I want to be content with my life
So I am working on becoming financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally content.

Another area I am going to work on will be:
FINANCIALLY- Getting my savings back in order, looking into my 401K and paying off bills completely. Ongoing progress - Goal to pay off outstanding debt, December 2008

This content thing takes work ya'll. It ain't worth a dang if your life is not full. So I am going to work in areas I have a passion for. Kita loves the kids, and the arts. Yep. I love the arts. So I am going to think about what I would like to do. Maybe I should join the church choir and start reading my poetry at poetry groups or even start a poetry/ lit group? Hmmmm. We will see.

My life purpose is important to me. Very important. I want to share a lil' love to all that I come into contact with. soooo with that in mind, I have discovered that I need my life to have variety. I like reading, singing, entertaining, discussions, good music etc. Gotta accept all the facets of myself before I invite anyone else to do the same, or heck, I need to be accepting and learning new things about me.

I also am trying to look at exercise differently. My twist on it now is:

Exercise allows me to be healthy and More sexy! It also allows me to prepare my body to have fun dancing, playing, and yeah sensuous fun too ; ) I am going to get with it because I want to bike, skate, play a little basketball etc. like I used to. It is great that the guys will appreciate my new physique. it is more wonderful that I will. It is great that my health and therefore my life will improve. It is not an issue of being worth it anymore. It is an issue of getting with exercise so I can enjoy my life more. I stay in the house a lot, and I entertain myself by eating or being on the phone or sitting on my butt and watching tv. That is enough. Also, I cannot wear my mini skirts like I want to, you know with the sexy heels and whatnot. I liked doing that, I felt pretty and intelligent attractive and approachable. It is time to get back with it for all of the right reasons this time.

Ooooh. I almost forgot to do the five things I am greatful for list. here goes. I am greatful for breath. I am greatful that I do not live in physical pain. I am greatful that I have a wonderful home in a community that is safe, I am greatful that I am learning to love myself more, I am greatful for my family and friends, I am greatful for my wonderful job and employer/ supervisor. I am greatful that I have some funds in the bank and that I can share. I am greatful that I have God and that s/he loves me. I am greatful that I am open minded and I am greatful that I am always willing to learn. I am greatful that I have the gift of words and a beautiful blessed voice, I am greatful.

If...

2006-10-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

i need you to understand
that if i decide i want you for my man
it was not the mess you were talkin
it is not the stuff that you have
it is not the way that you are walkin
listen to me bruh
it was the love of your full brown lips
the way your eyes crinkled and
how you listened and took in my words
and paid attention
how you ran your hands down my back
how you firmly took the lead
how you manned up
it is in your loving caring deeds
and attention
to the details that are a inseperable part of me
it is cause when i am with you I am a Queen
indeed
so for that I
smile when I think of you and I
pray that when you think of me
you do the same
I support you and defend you
I honor you in all I do
I know that I am your crown and jewel
I speak softly and don't roar
I don't just slip into warrior mode
I know that you are guarding the door
your meal will be hot baby and
yeah, I am ready for you
if you want to be loved to
a grown woman
you got to figure out the rules,
no games, no mess, no crap
the ability to treat me right
you take care of you and me
and we communicate and appreciate each other all rite
I will have your back a hundred times over
cause I know that you have mind
if you have that type of loving
baby
then i got that kind of time
it is not in the way you are thugged out
i dont need a man who will place me in harm
i want a man who can hold me gently
and rock my body and soul all nite long
i need a man who can stand
and knows when to fight
you can keep all of me with you darling
if you will do this
is that all right
is that all right
is that all right
it all stands on that
if

Baby Steps

2006-10-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have decided on some things that will move me from a life at "6" to one at "10".

OK. Here goes:

1.) I will come from this 22/24 back to a size 18 by the end of the year - Dec. 31, 2006. Where I was before I got diagnosed with diabetes. I have to accept that I am fighting the pills that they have placed me on. I have to accept that my diet will need to change more. I have to accept that I cannot eat how I used to. More fruits, veggie, water. I have to love me and know that I was going to the gym, changing my diet, going back to school and I became ill (Strep Throat!!) when I was diagnosed (sick for 2 weeks). I have to love me and want off of these pills enough to come up with a plan.

Plan for # 1 - Exercise 20-30 minutes 4 days a week. Maintain a food diary. Eat out only twice a week. Low fat/ low sugar/ sugarless desserts. Find healthy snacks that I LIKE!! No more soda. No liquor. Aim for 3-5 servings of veggies.

2.) Better job. Need an additional 6-10 K per year. Implemented by August/ September 2007.

Plan for #2 - Prepare resume. Send out in massive amounts beginning of 2007. Attend paralegal org. meetings. Talk to para's in areas of interest. Dress more professionally to work. Be on time. Talk to current job HR rep. Take resume to univ. career center for critique service.

3.) Better relationship with God. Ongoing.

Plan for #3 - Morning and evening prayer. Daily gratitude list (5 items). Attend early morning service on Sundays/ watch on TV. Meditate for 15 minutes 2 times a week. Write Dear God letter weekly. Read Bible Sunday. Read Psalm 51 and Promise daily.

More to come.

Kita

Getting to a "10"

2006-10-19T07:10:00.001-07:00

I keep thinking about how my life is going now. I kinda feel like it is at a 6. Frankly I do not like it much. I do believe in potential, but bump potential, I want to know how do I get to the real thing and I want to pursue it and still enjoy life where I am too.

A "10" life is attainable, it just is not perfect and you cannot get there if you do not love yourself and want yourself where you are.

This is my quest to get my life to that "10". Not a fantasy ya'll, or what anyone else wants but what I genuinely want. I am having an Oprah moment, because I want an authentic life too. LOL.

An authentic life for me will allow me to live the life that I want. I am not one who wants a life with a lot of bling but no substance. I want some bling now, yeah, but I want something more tangible and real than that. I think one of the issues I am having is placing the precipice of my life at getting married and having a kid. Ummm. To be honest, I do not know why I keep doing that. I have witnessed first hand the strain and the hurt and the constant compromise of marriage and being a mother. It is hard emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, social, work. It is work. I want this, but not at the expense of myself. I do not wish to sacrifice myself until there is no me left. With this in mind, I am putting marriage high on my list, but not the ultimate prize. Letting myself fully be me - creative, emotional, loud, efficient, diva-ish, down to earth, bubbly, quiet, thoughtful, crass, blunt - all of me and loving every facet of it is a life that I love is the goal. No more trying to fit in boxes that others and I, because I accepted their bull, created.

I enjoy my family and assisting with the raising of my neices and nephews. I enjoy getting to help and to assist someone in a real way and accepting/ loving them where they are. This pull for a family of my own with lil' folk who have mine and my hubby's charateristics is genuine, real and YES I still want this for myself. It is not the ultimate goal though. Being true to myself and loving the life I live, that is the ultimate goal. Nothing is wrong with wanting something more, but it is good, wonderful and enlightening to love you and enjoy you, be content with you and your life where you are too.

Hon, I am a natural motivator, it IS who I am. I give that freely to everyone I come in contact with, but not myself. I am hard on myself, and if I do not get the response I want from that I punish me. Yep, I binge. No shame about it, just something I am readily admitting. You cannot fix what you refuse to see or acknowledge. I know that an attitude change in this regard is definitely a part of getting to that life that is a "10" for moi.

So I will list on this blog some of the things I must face, accept and change about me to get me to the "10" life I want. After acknowledging this stuff I will love myself to that change. You read correctly. I will love myself into that change, so there will be a lot more spiritual, soul searching,
crying, struggling, accepting, acknowledging and admitting stuff on this site. If you cannot deal with that, ummm, go away. Dumb bunny. This is for me, my needs and yeah, that is kind of selfish. My preliminary list will pro'lly be up soon. Maybe even later today.

OK now. Scram. I have some thinking to do.

Later,
Kita

Groove gone

2006-10-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

I have been stuck in a
extendended suspension of animation
walking endlessly in circles
and the well cut groove
is cutting into my ankles
making a new sound now
instead of clump bump and a little bluesy jazz
it is simply hurting my azz
oozing blood and puss
I stopped in
still life fashion noticing for the
first time the cut that was
created by the constant bump into
the same old thing
It has hit the bone and
entered my now
present reality
The music stops
Click, click, click
Silence
I am
watching my life flow
tick tock
until the alarm rung
Getting over the shock
Preparing for the pain
I pour
100 proof alcohol burned and
cleansed the sores and puss
and
I stepped out of the rut that
I created
which ate and tore greedily
at my ankles
In the depth of my agony
prayer
silence
bandages
healing and
I note
a new road to walk
a new path to take
my ankles, my soul and my heart
will began to walk
unfettered ground
The groove created
by the rut that I have walked
will play its same old blues
highlighted by screamed
improvisations
no more

@Kita

Entertainment vs. Relationship

2006-10-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

You know, I am thinking of how I relate to people and how I do in relationships. Really, I enjoy being entertained. Let me say that again, as honestly as I can. I like to be entertained. If you are not entertaining me, why am I still talking to you? I know that it sounds rather silly, but honestly I have dealt with realtionships in this way for a good minute.

Getting to know someone, or letting them really get to know me is scary. I create walls, I put up barriers then I blame the guy, well somewhat anyway. Heck, it takes a real woman or man to admit that. So after I pat myself on the back I will move forward. *patting back* Now, here we go. I learned to do this when I was younger, I think the only folks I allow to really know me are.... hmmmm. I kind of keep people at bay until I get to know them, no emotional nothing. I do not cry or get upset in front of people easily, I do not..... hmmmm. Maybe the problem is that I do not warm up quickly to folks. Maybe I figure that people will not do this with me either. I like to present myself in a certain way, yeah I got control issues, but I will let you see parts of me.

Once I am sure that you will not intentionally hurt me, I let you get close. I joke around with you, and this is how I get comfy with you. After that I will let you see all of me, the good, bad, indifferent, ugly, sensual, sexual, sweet, classy etc. You do know that I am mad multifaceted right? LOL!!

I guess this time I will take a chance and let someone see who I am and what I am about. I want to be a bit vulnerable, and my eyes will tell you my story if I look at you too long, so I don't. Seriously. However, I will take my time and learn you. I know it ain't fair but sooooo wwhhaatt. My heart is really, well my ego and my feelings are really ... you know.... I am strong but when I let you in my heart I melt and I do not like feeling that vulnerable. However, I really am one of the sweetest folks you will ever meet.

In a word I am afraid, so I am gonna pray to God about it and let me shine through. Please cover the guy I am talking to eyes ya'll. I kinda shine brightly when I take the cover up off.

Pray for me.

Kita

Baacckk

2006-10-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ok I am back to my old sweet self. I know that all of ya'll are happy. OK.

Why am I reading these silly blogs calling everybody black celebrity male gay?

Back in the day, it was ok for men to smile. Nobody thought that you were a punk cause you had the ability to be happy. Again, happiness did not equal punk, back in the day. Something is going on real strange when a man has to hide that he has emotions and bottle all of that inside. I mean, it has gotten so deep, this hiding emotion crap that our female children are dressing like hoochies and acting like lil' gangstas.

Feminity needs to make a comeback. OR is it that treating others HUMANELY needs to make a comeback? I ain't really sure, but I know this fronting crap has got to go. You know, I keep looking around wondering if I am the only one who realizes that. It is coming back in the clothes but not in the way we treat each other.

This need to go after anyone about anything and to attack, this is very predatory and you know what, I do not think that all men are this way. I do not care if they are black, white, whateva, they do not want to fight all day every day. So what is the deal with this pissing contest that is going on daily now between us? What is the deal with admitting that you are hurt or you need people? Why all of the barriers, if you do not want to be vulnerable how are you gonna love somebody? How about how are you gonna love yourself?

I am reading a blog about the Game and they suggest that he may be gay. So what, number one. If he is he is fronting. What is new about that? How many other people have we found out were lying about their sexuality, how they lived, that they are sane, or not on drugs etc? What is new? AGAIN they are here to entertain me. Put yourself as the star in your own damn life drama and you won't care so much. Try doing that. Try living your own life, try daring to love someone, getting involved with something or caring about somebody else. Yeah, the celebrities lives are full of holes and they lie and front. Heads up, their human. It is easy to point out their flaws etc. cause look at your own or your loved ones either hurt like heck, there is a lot of intimidating work to do or you cry just thinking about it. Yeah, I too am guilty of reading the celeb stuff but dangit, I could REALLY care less.

This week alone two folks passed that I knew. I am more concernend about them and that. Last week, my good friend got a new job, I am more concerned about that, my nephew came home from a college he got a scholarship from cause the music director was charged with rape, I am more concerned about that!!! I got to see about the child that I am a CASA for next week, I am more concerned about that, I gotta get in contact with my silly electric company and ask them why are my lights constantly blinking.

Do I care about celebrities, yes. I also like books, and I like music and television shows etc. Entertain me. Do that, and then go home.

That makes me think for a minute, *pondering* is that how I deal with the guys I talk to? I think so. Maybe I need to take a moment and get to know them huh? *chuckling*

Helping out

2006-10-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

Aiiight. I am not going to put my good name out there trying to help a person out for a while, so iffin I give you a job tip and I really do not know you, do not tell them I sent you. Why you ask, well because I will have to tell 'em I really do not know you, I am passing along a tip.

Look here, allright. I am helping this guy out. I just met him and he told me about not having a job that he likes or is getting regular good pay from. Cool. I go ahead and let the powers that be at my job, let me say that again at MY JOB know that I have someone who is looking for something is there something available. They suggest a department. I have met and talked with this department before and they are good people. Will work with you and everything. Cool. The job is his. All he has to do is show up for the interview. This fool does not call them back in a timely fashion. They cut him some slack. They finally talk to him and this FOOL tells them that he cannot make an interview to have a good job, working good hours, making good pay because he has a dr's appointment. He could not reschedule the dr's appointment.

*staring into space*

Are you kidding me? I apologized to the guy who was gonna hire him on my good name and rep alone. Are you kidding me? I apologized to the young lady who went out on a limb and suggested that he hire the guy too? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

So, with that said, I will not suggest that anyone that I have known less than 1 year apply for a job and use my good name as a reference. You are on your own partna.

Kita

Surer Now

2006-10-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I would often give into peer pressure. Someone could call me a name and I would cry, you could hit me and again , LOL, I would cry. I would not defend myself. I actually believed the garbage that people told me about myself. I was too dark skinned. I was not to bright, that other folks who had the teacher's favor was more intelligent that I was. I actually believed the crap. I did so for a long while. As a matter of fact is followed me into young adulthood. Friends, well so called friends would attack me about some issue in my life. I would probe myself and tear myself down trying to build myself into someone that everyone loved and liked.

Unfortunately, the pressure to be a peace maker was also on me. Can you say people pleasing to the nth degree? My folks and my sis well, heck all of us, had jerk issues, and were in large part a jerky family. If you were sensitive about anything at all we would, the word we would use is tease, but truth is it was an attack on you about that subj or situation. It just was not cool. We tried to play it off, but after a while, that crap just plain old hurt. In attempting to make ourselves tougher we cared less about what we said or did and caused more damage to each other. Not only the kids, sometimes my parents, my mom esp. would take part. As I grew up I told my fam about how I really felt about it. They quit it with me. I also learned how to handle folks like this and what works and what does not. I ain't never ran in the streets, but I can handle myself if I must. Being honest and straight with you, we can joke, but I am not rolling with that attacking stuff. Roll on. I can take constructive criticism about my behavior and reminders about having strong character but an attack against my person will bring either silence or the I don't give a f* about you out of me. Do not disrespect me. My fam and I are straight, and now we all give each other this kind of respect. I mean honestly, how can you expect the world to back up and respect your feelings and wishes and your own fam won't? Not having it. It will not go down in my life. In large part I ignore stupiditiy but ummm....... e'rybody got their breaking point.

What I learned to do when I deal with people who are in large part negative is to stay off of their path. On the real, I do not want you for a friend. Keep it moving. I mean, I am not aching for a fight, nor will I pretend that we are friends. I will treat you with respect and I expect the same from you. If you cannot or will not do that, please desist talking to me. Now, on the real I mean that. If you are one of those folks who can't deal with someone respectfully, even when you are joking around, if you are mean spirited hit it. Bye dumb bunny.

Now, this has created who you see/read before you. Truth is, either you can deal with my you will be all rite and I am gonna march on attitude, or you can't.

I am not one who aches for a fight, and when one comes I decide whether or not I will fight or walk on. I know that in these days and times of people feeling the need to constantly prove themselves, like Neo in the Matrix, I am an anomaly. I know that there are more folks with this attitude, however, I am dealing with a neighborhood full of older black folks who do not seem to get this attitude at all. I will speak to you, hey and bye. I will look out for your home and let you know what is going on in the 'hood if something looks a mess or if there is something pretty cool going on. I will not do any less than those things. If you feel like I should have a convo with you about my personal biz, we are neighbors, we are not friends. If I am comfortable with you yes, but if nonsense ensues and it is continuous I. GOTTA. GO. If you feel that I should bend over backwardz to straighten out silly drama you started, I am cool with you, BUT we are neighbors and NOT friends. Hey and bye is cool with me. I like it like that. All personal stuff has been put down and to the side. My life is simpler when it is like that.

I know that there are some amazed that this IS who and what I am and that I live my life like this REALLY and want me to behave like a fool, but no shawt, this is who I am. I choose the when, where why and how of the battle and the weapons, I really do not care what you choose to do. It is called walking with a smile, and in faith, praying and carrying a big stick boo-boo. If you cannot deal with that go on. I will do what I have to when I choose to. Other than that, go away. Some folks have a bad habit of thinking that folks who are quiet or can smile and keep walking are foolish or weak. Sad. My strength is in my humility and my vulnerability. It is in my God and when it is time to battle, sweetie, titanium is in my back and when I strike it will be with precision. I do not come to kill or maim, I come to obliterate if I must battle. You, well you come with loud sounds and cussing and showing your butt as baboons do. I stepped into the fray and your noise caught my attention giving away your position and I hit you with a poisoned dart. Not enoough to kill you, but enough to knock you out and help you to remember who YOU are in the scheme of things. My job is done. Stay out of my way and choose another for a victim. Game over. Thank God I know Him and have the parents that I have. Thank God I know myself. Thank God I have learned over the years how to forgive and how to move forward.

I am surer now than I was when I listened to the noise and nonsense of others. It is in my walk, talk, laugh and how I carry myself. You must move in your life like you are royalty in an enjoyable, strange and sometimes agressive land. I am anxious for nothing, and there is nothing I am worrying about. I keep it moving ya'll, keep it moving.

Silly so called grown folks in my 'hood. Grow up. And please note that I will continue to hold my head high. Remember folks: Keep it moving like you are royalty with an eye out for poisoned arrows and silly fools and you will not get your foot or butt stuck in the crap that belongs rightly beneath your feet. Not saying you are better than anyone, now don't get it twisted, just saying do not get caught in another persons load of BS. Feel me?

Smooches,

Kita

Scared

2006-10-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

Hey. I got a secret. You know, when you meet someone in your mind, they are in this perfect place, and you are too and then you hear some great Luther and everything is off the chain and then you know credits...the happy life, the pony and let us not forget the mansion, the Lexus, you know that happy life.

I am not sure if that is so realistic. Let me rephrase that, I am coming out of la-la land.

You gotta work with people where they are. You gotta let somebody love you where you are and trust, in some serious area that THEY really do not want to be bothered with, THEY are gonna have to decide to forgive or support you about that ISSUE. Watevah the situation may be.

In other words, dare to love somebody who is imperfect, getting it together, living and growing in every day life and leave the fear alone. Dare. To. Love. I did not say try to fix a man or woman, I said love them. Ok now. That is all.

Kita

My Drumbeats

2006-10-04T12:36:00.000-07:00

Well,
I gotta keep marching to my own drum,
listening to my own heart beat
feeling my own rhthym,
and IF by doing that I lose a few folks along the way
I wish them well and favor overflowing
I gotta keep walking
To my own dang drum
Adios, friend of mine
Adios
The world keeps spinning and
the season keeps changing and I wish you all of the best
but
Ciao' dear friend
I hate to see you go, but I too deserve to go thru life
in the way that I feel is best
It is my God given right and I REVEL
in it
so you may keep your silence
you may even disapprove
I never asked you to always agree with me
I have decided to move with my own groove
so I will see you
and though it hurts to pull
Away I wish you well
as I say Ciao'

Much Love Chik friend mine, but not this time. I am not giving in to peer pressure. I am dating. Whether it is online or in person, I will continue to date. I am sorry that you want to judge me, but I am glad to understand that this is a place I finally UNDERSTAND I must again keep you out of. If this is where our friendship ends, or even if it is merely changing that is fine.

Not today.....

2006-10-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

OK. I know that I cannot do anything about stoopit people. I cannot wish them away, push them off of a cliff etc. However, I can be honest about how I really feel so here goes.

I think my neighbors is bonkers. She and her husband need to stay away from me.
I think the guys I am meeting are busters.

OK. I feel better. Really, considering I have PMS today, I am being pretty good, pretty cool. I am going to stay to myself for a while, and keep the other kiddies safe. LOL.

I know my name..

2006-09-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

My brain is swarming with ideas and thoughts. Corrections are being made in my thought process. I have sinned. I have settled for a life and a way of being and thinking that does not lift me up. I forgot my name.

I am blessed with a beautiful name. My parents unknowingly gave me a name that means, well part of it means, " the victory of the people". Everytime I think of my name and the dream I had when I went through the tough emotional and financial times, every time I think of how I was told by God that my name once was Jakob but it had since been changed I try hard not to cry.

Let me explain. During one time in my life I let men take advantage of me. Not sexual, all of the time anyway, but advantage none the less. It is not like I did not know, it is more like I did not care and I definitely did not love me. Not in the way that I should. Could you physically do something to me, no. I warned any man, and warn any man straight, I will have fried man with a side or grits if you ever get that bold. I ain't playing. Keep your hands to yourself. It ticks me off just thinking about some so called man putting his hands on me to hurt me. Yeah, sucka, I am taking dna from you, any which way I can. Move that along.

Let me get off of that. Whhhoooooooossssssssssaaaaaahhhhhh. A few deep breaths ya'll and I will be right with you. * * * * * OK

But I did let myself be used. Too nice, too willing to please, no back bone. You could take advantage of me as long as you were there with me. Then it went too far and I had to fight to keep my house. I had to throw that fool out. I had to examine how I lived, thought, and how much I REALLY loved myself. I had to move in with my parents for 6 months and just pay the mortgage. I had to check in with how much did I REALLY love God, how much did I really believe in His promises? Found I was lacking in both departments, seriously. I did not trust Him, did not Love Him or myself as I should have. Start putting my life in check. The colored glasses were thrown in the trash. I started dealing with life the way it really was. There was more upheaval, friends who really did not get it at all start coming at me about my relationship with church while I was concerned about my relationship with God and Self. My friend did not get it and I had to forgive her. She kept trying to invalidate my life experiences, which is ridiculous. I mean, if we all have our God given own purpose for being here, our experiences are crucial to becoming who God wants us to become. I had to forgive her, and have to continuously forgive her for that faux pas. One day she will get it, but until then I will not stress about her lack of understanding. I gotta do what I got to do. I went to find God for myself, cried my eyes out, talked to Him constantly, stopped taking her calls cause she did not get it, she had to be booted out of my life for a while. I was in my valley deep down in there with nothing but smooth rocks on each side of me. I was stuck there for a purpose, God's.

When I finally asked God to show me what was my problem, he led me to the story of Jakob. At first I was ashamed. I mean, yeah I tried to constantly be the good girl etc, but I never wanted to hurt anyone or upsurp anyone. I did not get it. I did not get the meaning at all. I thought that all God was saying was what my friend said, you wrestle with me and you are foolish and to dang stubborn. I was so ashamed of who I was, like I needed more of that. I did not get it, and when I talked to my friend about it, you got it, every little negative atttribute possible was assigned to that revelation.

In God's infinte wisdom and grace, after I had another soul wrenching session with Him, I slept and had a profound dream. I was in my old childhood home. See, the old family home was destroyed by a tree, so the new home was on the same property. I looked out of the big plate window that we had and saw a tree in the backyard on fire. I grew up on an acre of land in the heart of ATL ya'll. The land behind the family home to this day is covered with bushes and trees and other stuff I will never get close to, ok? Anyway , I tried to get my mama, my dad, my sis and brother to see this tree. No one could see it. I was transfixed by the tree, and this was a huge Christmas tree on fire. How in the heck did they not see that ya'll? Next thing I know the tree and everything around it went into a total blaze and everything was gone, the house, my parents, my sibs, everything. I closed my eyes and ya'll when I opened them again I was pro'lly 3 feet from this tree and it was still on fire!! There was water and cool green grass and animals and I stood there looking in complete awe. I slowly and fearfully went up to that tree. I got on my knees, and reached out to this tree. As I did so I heard a voice say "Do you know how much I love you Beloved?" I woke up crying. Anyway, trying not to cry as I write this. God definitely had my attention. The changes that I needed to make in my life started that day. Foolish Pride left, I needed a roommate, asked my friend to move in. That was a bet. Thank you God. Stopped talking to my other friend for a while. Yes, she is God led, but she don't know nothing about what God has in purpose for me and my life. He talked to me about that, she gotta go on with that other ka-ka. Can't take the constant barrage of complaints and criticism even as I tell you how God came to me. This is not about church, this is about God and my relationship and trust with Him. Be gone. I joined a church that I am a still a member of, but I have not gone for several months. Another heart to heart with God was needed. I needed HIM. I am not going to apologize for that need. I could have gone back 3 months ago, but I got into the habit of sleeping late on Sunday, and you know, I do not go to my church after 7:30 service, it takes forevah to get out when you do. That is not for the kid. I am returning soon. Back to the story.

When I got back into the townhome, I dated some more, had a few sexual encounters that I regretted. Cut that crap out after the second guy. Stopped taking so much crap from people, and stopped trying to fit in all the dang time. If you do not like me find a butt cheek and give it a kiss. Holla back. Got my smart mouth back and started watching how I think, how I allow myself to be treated and started correcting folks about that there too. Nonna that. Get on. Also start letting folks know when I appreciated them, that I loved them. More importantly I began to get why I HAD to have God on the throne, not anybody else including myself. Constantly correcting that situation there.

Ond day, as I watched one of the biblical shows on one of my favorite channels A&E they did a discussion about Jakob. I watched in awe. My confusion and shame gave way. This man IS Isreal. This is what God changed his name too after he struggled with the angel. This man fought for an inheritance that was his in the first place. This boy grew into a man after he ran from his brother in fear and became a man when set with challenges and worked dilligently for them. This man came back to his brother rich and prosperous by the blessings of God after his Father in law tried to deceive him and use him. This man stood up to the challenges of his Father in law and had both of his daughters as his wives. This man is named Isreal. Isreal means "struggle with God". This man learned to honor and loved God and became prosperous despite tribulations. That is when I got it. I am like Jakob in some ways because I struggle with the expectations of man and God. I choose God, (most of the time, sometimes I do get it wrong). His name is Isreal. My combination of names mean victory of the people. I saw a burning bush, that man's name is Moses. A reluctant leader, Lord know's that I am one of those. One who thought because of his shortcomings he was not fit to lead. I too beat up on myself, and have to make the chitter chatter of how I am f'd up stop.

My shame is leaving, and the doubt that I continuously have about myself and my purpose is lessening. I am getting ready to go through another personal revolution. Every time I walk by myself and then God brings me back into the fold, I am preparing myself for a bigger responsibility and more prosperity in every area of my life. I have pointed out to folks many times before, every great leader of the bible walked by themselves at times in their lives. Stop asking folks who may need time apart from the church and walk alone as part of strengthening their relationship with God to not do this because it is something that you do not do. Again, I find myself putting my friends voice out of my head. I will correct her if necessary this time.

This morning God reminded me of my name, and who else in the Bible has had a similar life situation or attitude about themselves and their lives. I am grateful for that reminder. More importantly, I am grateful for my name.. ... It gives me more than a hope, it stands as a promise.

I am glad I remembered my name, and my purpose, creative and otherwise. Thank God for such a gift. No weapons poised against me shall prosper. What is wrong with you people? Did I not JUST tell you that I am meant to be victorious? Even death can't stop me. What God has placed in my heart to do I will do, and whatever that is, he means for it to carry on be it through a person/s an institution or an idea.

It is time for me to reevaluate my goals and dreams and make sure that they are on tap for my life. This weekend I am doing that. Straight no chaser. I am going to take some time for me and God, esp. since it seems that is the way that God has it. Every plan that I made for this weekend sans meeting up with my fam is either cancelled or pushed back. It is time to get back with who and what I am and what I am about.

Pray for me ya'll

Kita

Re-train? Nope, it ain't gonna happen partna'.

2006-09-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

Straight. I have to give it to the brother straight. Take this rag and wipe that milk off of your lip. You are playing a grown man when your actions scream that you have the mind set of a teenager. I do not mind getting to know or supporting anyone, loving anyone. However, I am not going to re-train you on stuff your mom's already taught you about. Being considerate of others time, that kind of basic stuff there, ummm no. I am not going to be bothered with that.

I know that many men are spoiled these days when it comes to the dating scene, and really are not ready for the responsibility of what the definition of "man" means in a relationship. Can you lead brother? Is your word your bond? You know, basics. I did not mention rolling in dough, I did not mention anything about driving a certain car etc. To me, knowing you are a man because of your character and your morals, what you will and will not take a stand about, that you are intelligent etc, that is sexier than all of the material things. Material things are nice to have, but they are not the begin all and end all. If you cannot take care of biz on the daily and have something beyond your finances going on that really matters to you, I do not want you. Let the other chicks have at ya' and good luck.

Many menhave learned or think they have the gist of what women should do and be, but you betta go and check yourself and make sure you are in order before you come with that with me. You cannot, you do not have the right to ask a woman about her role, is she getting herself together and a common everyday moral decision, a common sense decision, extending common courtesy have you all hemmed up in a corner and is beating you down like its your pimp and you owe it money. Come on now! I pay attention to your actions man, your actions. For men, for most folks heck, this is what really matters. Actions ARE what matters. Let's just cut all the bull out from the get, ok?

I liked the guy, I really did. We had a good convo and he seemed pretty solid. Too bad he did not turn out that way. Yeah he has a lot on his plate, and a lot of others folks do too and they do common courtesy things and show respect to folks. Thankfully for me, I did not place my trust in the man though, honestly I did not know him like that. I placed my trust solely and solidly in God. I asked God as I have asked Him before to remove him if he ain't the one. Question answered and directions given. See ya later partna and good luck!!

I understand now that the guy did not fail me. Another frog, another toad, someone I kissed and now... I am glad he has moved on as quickly as he did. I am also glad that I continued to date and to be available. He showed me who and what he is. It is a simple thing to call and say, "my mom is ill, I have an emergency, got off to late. One more time, he did not do call to let me know what was really going on, but called the day after. Sorry fellas, even if your reasoning is that you don't want to hear what we gotta say, you know that this is called a punk move. Even if you are no longer interested, this is called a punk move. That was it for me, no more excuses. We are grown. I do not have time for that. Good luck with your life.

Just wasn't that into me, I suppose. I am not hurt nor am I really angry or anything. I am just dissapointed that I keep running into these kind of men. I guess the truth is, all of us, men and women are running into people who think that they have mucho game and have no common sense. As my ma always told me, common sense ain't really all that common. That quote, unfortunately, is proven again.

I wish him well as I keep the dating thing, the living thing, the hope and prayer thing moving along. No time for grudges ya'll. It is not worth it, and I am not blocking my blessings for anyone. Heck, I know I am going to be married. No use holding on to rotten garbage, put in the dumpster where it belongs. That way you don't get bitter or too tired to notice the good man/lady in front of ya.

Out ya'll. Have a good day!! Be gone now!

Queen Kita

Masking it

2006-09-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about the confusion that comes with not really getting to know someone
Not really getting to know who they are or what they are about
it seems to rampage throughout my folks
I gotta listen to stupidness on the radio
stupidness at the job and stupidness in the church

Get to know somebody. Stop thinking that those who want to know and not just want to keep up with the rappers and the singers and the other people that are basically paid to entertain are the beginning and end all. Look beyond the surface, see these folks are only people. They gotta do number 1 and 2 like we do. They got family issues, money issues, and relationship issues. Some of these folks got drug issues. They are just people.

I have always admired those who had the fortitude to be themselves more than those who are paid to enterain me. That is their persona, just like the persona we put forth when we report to work. Get outta here with thinking that these folks are gully like that 24/7. Grow up. Everything on the TV ain't real. They are struggling with their lives on some level just like us. Trust.

I have been reading blogs and keep hearing about T Owens. If he tried to take himself out, do you believe that he is gonna tell us? Get real. I read about the stupidness black men do to each other when they do not all come out looking like they will kill ya tomorrow if you breathe too hard. Get real and get outta here. Ya'll ain't ready to die just yet, just little boys running around pretending to be the super thugged out heroes you see on videos. Nobody WANTS to live like that. Get real. If they did why are they trying to get some paper, why do they move on time they do? Later with that stupidness.

Women, on the real, I do not want a man who lives like that. If that is your type then do you and turn up that Destiny child song. I. DO. NOT. WANT. THAT. IN. MY. LIFE. Some man coming thru the door mean mugging 24/7 unless he is trying to get you to give him some money or some booty, naw that ain't for me. I do not want a rudeboy or a gangsta or nonna that. Look good on tv, in real life it will get you KILLED by some fool that wants to prove that he can come harder. I want a grown man in my life, not someone still playing dress up I am a super thug for your azz. I want someone who is intelligent and knows how to treat a woman with sweetness, kindness and respect. Fo' reala. Nothing else will do. To each their own, but that is not for me. I want a man who can handle life when it comes at him, with his BS monitor on high alert, yeah, but I do not need a fool who keeps trying to prove what he is all of the time. When you are secure in your manhood, proving it is not even necessary. You ARE it, that is why you DO it.

My point really though is, get to know the folks, not just the persona, not just what they lay out there. Nobody is only one or two dimensional unless they are brutally abused as a child and/or are seriously disturbed. Stop looking at the TV and seeing stars, or looking at the every day person and seeing enemy etc. Start looking beyond the scope of the mask you wear and beyond that of others.

Kissing Frogs, Neighbor BS and Good Times

2006-09-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

Another frog kissed...*sigh* Men, please tell your single male friends to man up and tell a woman what they really want. The more honest you are the less BS you and I will have to deal with. Oh well. Faith in is God, not man. I move forward with that issue too.

A crazy neighbor w/husband who does not understand you just do NOT do what you wish on another's property. They are beyond crazy and they are in their late 40's early 50's with this crap. Both very much stuck in high school. This is the deal. There was a hole that sat on both sides of our property line. They have a fence and wanted to get it fixed and it would not stand without the hole being fixed and their land being leveled. Instead of talking to me, they just did what they wanted. I wrote a note and told them congrats about their home improvements and also alerted them that I was interested in knowing when the work would be complete. These two stupid so called adults walked around the neighborhood asking questions about any comments I made to the other neighbors instead of talking to me. The man told my older neighbor that I have NO issues with at all, "your neighbor wanted the fence out of their yard" Boo-hoo. Looking for symphathy and a liar to boot. I think that maybe he cannot read. That is not what my note said. I think when it comes down to it, they did not expect me to take a stand, and I did. The wife called leaving a ugly condescending message on my voicemail. I maintained my calm when I contacted her, though I wanted to cuss out Dummy 1 &2 . I paid for half of the repair. I was going to get it done anyway. El Stupo did not ask me. Had the audacity to tell my older neighbor, "we thought we were doing her a favor" Yet, the first thing that you do is sit back and I am sure, listen as your wife leaves an ugly message on my phone. Whateva. Favor my butt. You thought because you wanted an improvement done, and I clearly was not getting any done, ie. finances did not allow, it gave you the right to do what you wanted because it was about your home, what I wanted thought etc. be damned.

Now the issue is that I do not want them on my property, and you know what they are right. I want to live a peaceful life. Keep it moving. At first the guy standing on his property to talk loudly to my older neighbor and not encroaching on mine made me uncomfortable. I am a woman of peace and forgiveness. However, forgivenenss does not mean stepping stool or rug. If this keeps the peace, so be it. You will not do whatever the hell you want with my property or my life.

Communication 101. Don't do stuff with property that does not belong to you without prior permission or discussion.

I pray for both of them. I refuse to drop to their level. Once again, I refused that is. I will not even get into the escalation over a mail box. You read right. The height of stupidity at its best again. I will do what is right, though in all honesty I wanted to show my azz. I will forgive them, cause it is clear they know not what they do. They also obviously do not intimately know the God I serve. It's all good. The uncomfortable feeling will pass, and I will get over it. I pray they do the same or they will talk to a lawyer instead of me. I will also move on from this hood. It was already in the plans, this is just added incentive to do so quicker. Instead of in the next 3 years, in the next year and maybe a half. Who knows.

Frogs and BS. What a combo. Ummm. Do I hear another ribbit in the distance, or was that nonsense babble from the mouths of idiots? *sigh*

LOL

Weekend was still nice though. Hung out with my girls. Had a great time. Made plans for next weekend. Life keeps changing and I move on. Began making/creating a new friend. The wheel keeps turning, and I keep moving forward. Sweet.

Ciao, for now

Kita

It is just plain sad... well sorta anyway

2006-09-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

I read and re-read the post comments.

I mean, yeah, I do note that men can be at any size and get a nice looking woman of any size. I did note that.

I read and re-read the post comments when it came to women of size by other women and and men.

Look. Let me say it. I do not care what your preference are. I got mine, for instance I do not date or associate with idiots or shallow people or folks who have no faith in a God . Please note that I have nothing agains Atheist, I simply do not want to nor do I choose to battle against your disbelief on the regular. Geeze. If you can move on past this need to prove to me that God/ Jesus did not exist, then hey, we can talk. I believe in Jesus and am a Christian. If you can't roll with that, then roll on. I digress.

With all of the racism and ugliness we deal with, what is the deal with attacking each other about size? We all know that people are not just sitting down to eat cause they are hungry, you know that you too yeah you Mr and Mzs I am living in the gym occassionally eat or do some other habit that others would not smile about to relieve stress. Don't front with me.

I am not angry that folks got their preferences, but I am no less a human being or deserving of love or care than anyone else. I have been through some things in my life, and that ain't a excuse that is the truth. I handled it the way I thought was best when I was young. As I come to terms with stuff though it is becoming easier for me to catch myself and break that habit.

In our communities we look the other way when crap goes down. Somebody selling on the corner look the other way. Some uncle or cuzzin feeling up on young girls and boys, look the other way. Somebody 35 impregnating a 13-17 year old girl and got many of them gurls preggers, look the other way. Somebody beating the hell out of their spouse, look the other way. We can stand and watch each other cry and then turn our heads and You Got It look the other way. This painful crap hurts and people cope the best way they can. Some folks ain't got medical insurance, and as a people we are not known for taking even our crazy folk we know need help to the counselor's office. It is hard for us to admit that we need that kind of help.

Too many of us want the feeling of being better than another person, but I guarantee that I can pull back that cover, or your folks can and reveal to you your ugly side. To me, a person carrying weight is too much of a people pleaser, and are afrai, hiding from life cause they have been hurt to the core of who they are. They do not trust themselves and have little to no love for themselves. yes, I am full figured and I am getting healthier by going to the gym and by dealing with/ praying to remove demons that I thought I defeated a long time ago. You may not know the why, but to try to make folks more ashamed of the results of the shame and pain rather than talking to them or praying for them makes them worse not better. Yeah, attacking folks hurt, trying to shame them really works too. *waiting for you to remember how it felt to be attacked by someone who cared about you and how you reacted and then how you dealt with the same issue when someone offered you support. are you ready now? let's move along*

I read and then re-read the comments. I became sad about it.

Then in typical Kita/ Enigma fashion my brain said a loud "Ph*% 'em" Negroes doing what negroes do. If there should not be a crab in a barrel they will create one. If there should be a rope dropped down to help you up too many of your folks will drop down a noose for your neck to hang yourself. Yeah it is a shame it is this way, but it is. Deal. In the end, you gotta love some folks from a distance and keep the folks who would rather watch you fall outta your path. Well really out of your sky. Chickens peck babe, you may be a big one, gotta stop on a lot more branches to rest, but dang if you ain't an eagle flying. It's true but LOL. How bout that, huh?

A mind is a great thing to have. Joy that comes from God that nobody can remove is a blessing at all times.

Ok I am past being sad. I will pray for these folks. Like I have said about family and friends on occasion, I pray that God builds a hedge around them so that they will never feel the pain and hurt that they smirk and pick at when they see someone who has weight on them. I also pray that they will learn to uplift rather than come armed with popcorn to scorn and pitch barbs and past judgment on folks they really do not know nor understand.

In other words, get a heart or borrow one from someone. Do it soon. Yours is beating out a kinda poison. Choose to thrive and help others do the same.

Ummm. Good luck with that, mmmk?

Kita

Becoming Content with Life (poem)...

2006-09-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

And life still goes, strums, moves on.

I am not desperate for a lovers embrace
anymore
and though I look forward to the day that I can
walk into arms that are mine to call
home
I am comfortably resting in the ones that have held me all
along
alone with myself in the darkness
I have learned how to see
the light that shines within
and always has been there
My eyes have adjusted and
that dark shadow that I tried to banish
I hug to myself
just another part of me
That is the sass and the class mixed
all for your pleasure
Or, hmmm maybe not
Music sweeps through my soul
hope and joy is un-harnessed
and runs through my spirit and soul like
children happy and free in a field of flowers
free of pest and pesticides
I am finding it easier to smile
I am finding it easier to love
I am finding it easier to give
I am
soaking up the light that shines brighter than the sun
I am bathed in the love of the one who has always known me
I am free
I am free and that
creates the me that I stand before you today
The God in me
honors and reminds me of the Goddess
That lives there too
HE is a combo of both
Not one
That is impossible.
HE created all, so he knows what and who I am
To HIM I am no mystery
so I embrace that part of my heart, my soul, my spirit
and I am learning to
Not be afraid of love,
or to try
or to give
or to uplift
or to attempt to bring together what someone has tried to rend apart
I stand smiling as lightning whispers and cracks
and I know that I have Him/ Her
I do not worry about my back
walking with favor and boldly with a confident smirk
I look and love and hope and dream and wish and uplift and I am
I am
I am
at one with peace over flowing with joy and accepting of favor.

Kita

Swagger back

2006-09-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

Getting my swagger on. I got it. Thanks.

I am walking around here swaggering around, being myself, smart at the mouth and all that other blah, blah. I honestly figured that I kissed another frog, only to have him call me and realize that froggy is interested in making a jump towards the real man/man up role and wants me to apply for the job of his woman. Hmmmph. I guess he don't understand that his application almost made it into file 13.

He wants to spend some time today. Why tonite ya'll? After I go to the gym and errythang too? Uuuuuh. I am gonna have to get some sleepy time in.

You know, I had plans to chill out!?!! I had plans to pick at my friend and have fun learning chess too all at the same time.

But I am going to meet him. Why? Well, I encouraged him to get it together and stop mumbling on the phone and he told me that he needed me kind of inspiration. I am inspiring him by being myself. I like those kind of jobs ya'll. I told him that "if you are going to be in my life, eat your dang Wheaties and get some sleep. Trust, you are going to put in work. I ain't gone be the only one man. If I gotta be up on my game, you betta be on yours." The nut laughed. So did I...

Anyway, wish me well. I am praying for and about this. Later ya'll.

Kita

Trust

2006-09-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to trust God more and more.

Just when I think I cannot take anymore, or that I am the only one standing on this step, enduring a situation etc., I am sent, gently guided to a place or to a person who is doing as I am, goint through what I am, and their perspective lifts me up. Their determination reminds me that I can and for my sake, for my futures sake, I must.

No more running from, running down or running to. No more compromising on what I want and what I need, no more.

Thank you God for teaching me to trust and love myself.

Kita

Life ramblings

2006-09-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

I always thought that I would get married. I have always believed in marriage and the whole sha bang. You meet a good guy, you are a good woman, you have kissed your fair share of frogs he has kissed his fair share of fishies and you are happy you have finally met a good, nice, stable yet fun guy.

Ppppshhhttt. I wish it was this easy. *sigh* Well it is, more than likely I am becoming impatient. Impatience and I dance around each other all the time. I hate the chick. She knows it and insist upon pestering me. Lately I have decided to try to be more patient about stuff. More patient with people. more patient with situations and men and ..... uhhhhhhh, life period.

This relationshi patient thing is like a kind of hell. However I must like the joint cause I keep showing up ;o)

I sometimes often think I missed my boat in the love and wonderful life department and should give up and keep moving. However that hope springs eternal and faith in God will not die.

My faith buoys me through it all. God is not finished with me yet, so I will remain available. I don't have the right to give up, I do not have the right to give in.

Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say dang it to everything, but nawwww. I am gonna keep on trucking. Sometimes I do self sabatoge. Then I say nawwww. I am not going to go that way. Gotta keep moving on, moving forward.

It is scary as hell.

Kita

Getting High/ ego trip

2006-09-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

when i spit it
its magnificent
better than the mess you thought you heard
not caught up in due diligence
supported by all the real ones in it
served you then left you
lost in yourself
take your pride out your butt
while I ride on your shelf
and yeah
idea that you had the real up in here
stuck in your own deluded sense of self
and funked up atmosphere
me
well i am matrixing on the life
you say that you are leading
walking calmly thru the leaves and
lies that you've been believing
watching the sky burn fire as you weave and dodge
me I'm being me superior to you and some
and you
you a hater with a water gun on
while I rise like a Phoenix
you still on that misleading trip
I drip knowledge on you
excuse me while I wipe my lip
don't slip in the bs that you yourself created
I 'm busy shining and blinging
while you are sitting and whining
cutting hateration with just the strength of
my attitude
ay yo
you know you can't get with me dude
cause I am magnificent
Phoenix taking a break from the sky
trying to teach silly folk how to really get high

@Kita

Uninhibited Love

2006-09-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

You know, I am a relationship kind of girl. I ain't neva been to comfortable with any other arrangement - you know really free - unihibited except with my man. The time or two that I did the sex with no relationship thing I felt very stiff. Truth, I didn't know dude as well as I should have. IF that trust factor is definitely missing I am just too uncomfortable and it ain't gonna happen. Not anymore anyway, LOL!! See, I want to give you my heart to my lover and I want him to entrust me with his as well. I want to feel not one inhibition when we get intimate. I want to let you see my vulnerable side. I want you to smile when you think of me and I wanna giggle when I think of you. I want to know how did you get that mark on your shoulder, I want to kiss that mark and make it all better again. I want him to be my closest bestest male friend, baby, and I want to be his bestest, closest female friend too. Trust. This is what I deserve and what I want. I know that there are a lot of guys who want the same, fear, the great killer of dreams and hopes, kills so much including, well especially, hope.

I want the man I am involved with to know he has seen a good deal of me, cause it takes a life time to know all of anyone, and that he is a lucky man. A good and lucky man. Feel me? I know all of this may seem old fashioned, but hey the truth is the truth. I am down for a love and a life like that. If you are too, heck, holla at me shawt.

Ok. Enuff reveal.

Kita

Relationships

2006-09-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of folks asking me about how are things going on with my friend. They are going. He has a lot on his plate, and it is not like I am his woman to be honest with you. He is someone I am talking to. The application part is done, is he gonna work out with me I do not know. Heck. *grumbling*

I am having a little issue with people who ask like he is 22. Umm, he is over 35, on his taking care of his ill mom, trying to make a better life grind. His plate is full of responsibilities and he is taking care of them. Somewhere unfortunately, we all will be one day. Taking care of someone who took care of us when we were little folk. At present, I am not his responsibility, I am someone he is talking to. That is it. We have had some interesting conversations, we have had a good first meeting. That. Is . it.

Yeah, I am optimistic about how this will go with us. I am not trying to get this man to be my all in all. Only God can do that. I cannot get upset, really I refuse to get upset cause right now he has to take care of his mom. This woman blessed him with life, he should take care of her in her time of need. Dang. Why am I explaining this to folks anyway? His sister has passed and it is on him to take care of everything, including his kids. Look like people would understand and try to emphathize. This is his life and he has to keep himself on track with his goals and everything.

Right now, I am not in his position, but I can imagine the stress and strain. I trust the God that has always taken care of me. I am living my life and doing the best I can. I trust that same God to watch over, uplift and help him during this trying time. If we make it or not, heck I will pray on for him, and I will be there for him. It is what I would want, it is what I would need if I stood in his shoes.

I really, genuinely, enjoy his company, I really would like to see something happen here, but I ain't gonna try to make things happen, feel me?

If he or I realize that his grind is gonna keep us from getting together, then hey, I wish him well and pray he finds who he needs. Just like I did for the other guys it did not work out with. If this is just a continuation of kissing frogs, at least I know that a prince is coming. How bout that, huh?

If he is not willing to adjust himself when he can to spend time, then that is his choice. I will be dissapointed, I prolly will be hurt, but hon, truth be told, I ain't trying to make him what I wish him to be.

Come as you are, let me love you, love me back and let's see if loving each other for a lifetime is possible and what we both want. No games, no jokes, no lies, just God, truth and us and life. Real life, which means that situations nobody wants to deal with will come and support will be wanted and needed. May as well give it now.

See that is what I want. I am worth it, the man I want in my life will be worth the sacrifices and the understanding and what not. Not cause I say it will be that way, it will be that way cause that is what God will say to me and him and we will respond to His voice, not that of our own. Feel me?

Later ya'll. Victory is mine in all areas of my life. I walk boldly and confidently in it, despite the naysayers and the haters.

PS. Please pray for him. No one should be so tired or push themselves so hard.
Kita

Victory

2006-09-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

I am not feeling very victorious today, however I will keep pushing and keep moving. Every day does not feel like sunshine. Regardless of this, this feeling of unrest and being tired I will smile and move forward. Joy lives in and with God, not with me, so my limitations are surpassed, lifted up and removed from me by simply standing on Jesus name.

Victory and joy is mine. I claim them, cause, shawt... they are my rights as a child of God's kingdom.

Move or get outta my way. I may walk a little sluggish today, but trust I am all there, and in 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000005 seconds I can meet you where you are at and be on point.

Like my confidence, envy my confidence, you will be all right. I stand, live and enjoy life by God's decree and his might hands in my life. LOL

Moving on, moving on

Kita

Prayers...

2006-09-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

I want it all. I want the good life, the good man. I want all of the good man, the sex, the relationship, talking, arguing, loving, fussing, moving up and handling the moving downs too. I want it all. The car, the house, the life, the child.

I have made a decision to keep my heart, head and prayers focused on getting it too.

I am praying to God for a better life and to be of better service to the world in the ways that I can. You can best believe that I am praying for my happiness as well. I want good folks, a good job/ business. I will have those things. I will have a good man. I think I have met a good one and we will see how this goes.

Full steam ahead shawt. Move forward, or get outta my way.

Lata,

Kita

A. Good. Man.

2006-09-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

Happy today. I got the treatment that I deserved from a good man. I got treated with respect, and care and interest and ..... I got the treatment that I deserve. From. A. Good. Man. Not perfect, not Chestnutt looks, but a good, solid, loving, caring man.

I am so happy today. Even though there is the possibility it may not go any further than this, I am too happy that I have this......

The Idea of Leaving....

2006-09-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

I have never really considered moving from the south. I am happy here, I know the cadence and the speed. We do not rush, we are not rude.. however if we must we will stomp you out. From Florida, Tennessee, Texas, Georgia (home!), South and North Carolina etc., that is the way it is. This is home . I was recently asked by one of the guys who I am talking to would I be willing to go to Cali for 3 years. Hmmmmm. I. Don't. Know. Just the idea of it is like uuuuuhhhhh. Ummm. Let's get to know each other better. I also let him know that before I do that, there will have to be an engagement ring, a wedding and my family's blessing. Scary thing is bruh said a chipper as heck "OK!" Oh, Crap.

Let me put it to you straight. I am not thrilled however, should I not follow love where it leads me, even if it is in unknown territory? I gotta think about that a bit so I can be honest if it comes up. I love, I like I thrive off of adventure. I also love, like and need my family. The idea of being that far away ... I don't know.

The thing is that this guy can get with my strong personality. Yeah, it is strong. I know it is. I like to have fun and can roll with the best of them........ That is why the attraction is ..... good. I know that this is something I will have to consider, everybody does not want to stay in the ATL. I could do North Carolina, maybe ... Washington DC. I never thought about the West Coast. Hell, I prolly got rid of that notion long time ago. Getting shot at ain't for me. That is funny when I think about it though. I mean, I miss the heck out of N'Orleans. Do you get the irony? Now he did say that this is where he would live, in the ATL and then retire in FL........ He has some awesome goals...... I gotta think on this a lil' bit though and now I REALLY have to get to know him...... He asked me did I think I was his missing rib, all I could say was, "Maybe" To be honest, due to my apprehension, I hope to heck ....... well. I am always down for an adventure and it seems I might have had another one batted my way.... We will see.

Praying about this possible leaving the south thing ya'll. This here is home. Relatives and fam on every side. You know, it is security and knowing somebody has your back regardless of whatever life throws at you. However, I really never have run with a posse. Running with one now would be sacrilege. I can be one confident lady. Let's see what happens this time......

Kita

What 9/11 taught me

2006-09-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

When I think about that day, I will never forget it, I was on my way to a dental appointment. I did not believe what I was hearing. Yeah right, the World Trace Center in NY were hit. The DJ's at V-103 were always kidding around. When I got to the Dr's office it was eerily quiet and they took me in quickly, cleaned my teeth and put a sign up saying that they were closing early for the day. I heard one of the nurses crying on the phone, and with concern went to see if she was ok. In the nurses office s a small TV. That is when and where I first saw the pictures of the towers. I stood with my mouth open, I stood with tears pouring from my eyes as I saw the people and thought about all of those who passed on that day, just going to work to do their job. My dentist came out and patted my shoulder and told me to take a minute to pull myself together and go home.

I got in the car and drove down Courtland in an attempt to get on I-75 South. There were people everywhere attempting to get out of downtown. There were people crying uncontrollably in their cars. There were people sitting on the sidewalk crying with friends and strangers attempting to console them. It was the saddest thing I ever saw. I sat in my car and looked at all the people who were clearly hurting and I cried. I rolled down my car window, and it was sprinkling in the ATL that day and encouraged one woman in her car to breathe, to try and pull it together. She looked at me and said a sincere thank you . I refused to drive until she could pull into traffic, until I was sure she was ok to go on. No one blew their horn, no one acted a fool, everyone - not amazinlgy, were seemingly doing the same thing I was. Everyone was concerend about all of us making it home from downtown ATL ok.

I will never forget that day and how we were kind and caring with each other. Sometimes, a tragedy is the only way for us all to remember that we are on this planet together, in this country together and what happens to one of us, happens to us all.

I took that lesson and began to examine my life, my choices, my friends, my experiences, my expectations, what I gave, what I took, my character, the way I wanted to be, the way I wanted to live. It started my journey of inspecting every part of who I was and who I was deciding to become.

I learned that I was selfish with my heart because I was afraid of pain and hurt. I learned that I was very good at encouraging others, I remembered that in a crisis I am a calm and steady person. I remembered that I am always for the underdog, they need my help, not my judgment. I learned to seek the best from people, as a matter of fact, I learned to expect better from people. I learned that this country, these citizens I live with on the daily, when the chips are down, CAN manage to see beyond color, beyond class, beyond its selfish desire to have and to purchase and to be concerend only with self. I learned to look at the world from different sets of cultural eyes, or at the least to try. I learned that I have to give to my community, be concerend and get involved. Lip service only gives back the bs that your mouth delivered in the first place. I learned - really I remembered that I am here to serve the folks that I live with. I learend that I can deal with stupid, ignorant, insipid, mindless drones and other special people if it means bettering anothers situation. I learned that I can be patient.

Most importantly for me personally God began His work on me. He reminded me that I have a purpose and then, he began to show it to me. Growth began on that day. On that painful day something that was asleep in me and others woke up.

I really see the tragedy in N' Orleans in the same way. It is waking the sleeping citizenry up. It is reminding us that the country, our government and the representatives we elect need to - must remember to care. It must remember to share, to be there to give a dang about others that are at their weakest point, who are hurting. It put a light on our shameful lazy habit of letting big biz run our country. It put a spotlight on our oozing nasty little secret: we the mighty US have stopped being humane and caring towards our own, our poor, our disenfranchised. How can we justly criticize the rest of the world? It reminded us all that we must remember to care about something other than the celebrities who shine no real light on everyday issues, everyday life for everyday people. As I say and I beleive and I stand by: Entertain me... when that is over, get on. They are really not that interesting to me on a hold unless they are doing that. Some gossip is ok, however in the scheme of things they have not done me a great service unless I was entertained. Thanks though.

I hope this country grows beyond silly party lines, class lines and start to remember to be there for each other, to care and to demand that the elected do the same. I think the tragedies that have hit us in succession are reminders to do so. It is a reminder from God that He judges all, and He blesses more folks that just the US of America. We needed to remember that the great Sleeping Giant had a job to do, not a world to conquer or to break down, but to remind the world of how great we can all be when you unite together to offer opportunity to all with a fair and just playing field as possible. We let big business convince us that only the gluttonous survives. Sin was crouched at our door and we let it in. Repenting by changing our attitude and view is the way to go. I pray we do so soon.

Anyway, that is what 9/11 taught and showed me. How about your experiences?

Kita

No regrets...

2006-09-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

When I let God take the lead I am at peace in a way I have never been at peace before. When I let God do his spin on my life, when I stop thinking I really know the answers, when I stop trying to make things be like I want them to all of the time, I mean, it is so very wonderful.

I can gush about the good times, I pray that I will stand strong in him during the tough times. I pray that I will always be in his good graces during the difficult time, I pray that when others lean into me for strength that he will show up and show out and use me. I am praying and hopeful and I do not feel as alone as I used to. I do not feel lost like I used to. It is almost like I am .... No, it is like I am making a slow trek to HOME.

Scary as it is, I realize one day I will no longer live. I am afraid, but I accept that. I am clinging ever more tightly to God's hand. I am walking with him, and he lets me know that only he knows the day and the time and I must concentrate on living today. I will concentrate on living today. One day at a time as fully as I can. No regrets, no regrets, no regrets.

Kita

Be a Light in dark places...

2006-09-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

When you decide tobe like a light in darkness, when you let God shine out of you and into the bleakness, when you decide on the daily you will be a beacon, remember there will always be detractors. There will be haters. Honestly, there will be a lot of folks who simply do not understand. There will be those who do not believe in your goodness, there are those that won't see beauty, there are those who are determined to be unrepentant not trying to get themselves together sinners, pray for them. There will be those who will try to point out your faults and make you ashamed, pray for them. There will be those who will try to insist that prosperity in all of your life is not possible, it is not what God would want for his people, again I say pray for them.

Being a light is not easy. There is a lot of temptation to try to torture the darkness when all God ask is that you shine brighter. All God asks is that you tell them how you once stood alone in the dark too. All that God asks is that you on the daily live for him and with him in your heart.

To all of us who struggle, sometimes we need a reminder of who and what God is. He is not merely a granter of wishes and hopes, he is the Father, the Master. He is omnipotent, all knowing, all loving, all caring. He is God. He is worthy of your love, respect, and your obedience. He never asked you for perfection, he offers you love and peace. He offers you a way of living a full life filled with hope which will always spring eternal if your faith lies in Him. He speaks to your heart and mind and he disciplines you, and there are some days you will go through but He will never leave you nor forsake you in spite of yourself. I did not say live in church, your friends, or your family. All of those things and people are blessings to have, but your faith and belief in Him trumps them all. He is the purest love around. He is the glory and the grace. This is all God.

Thinking about this humbles me, it reminds me to keep striding towards being true to myself and to step and do what I am instructed to boldly. I will forever keep him on the throne and be his willing servant. I correct myself now when I attempt to sit down in that honored place.

Kita

To my future hubby

2006-09-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

Sweetheart,
I have waited for you for a while. To be honest, I thought that it was your issue. Where is he, you know the man who will laugh with me, cry with me, see about me and support me. I wondered this while I listened to my girlfriends as they got married and unfortunately divorced. I wondered where you were as I told different guys that I thought were you to leave my life, leave my space. I wondered aloud to my friends and the four walls where were you and why haven't you found me. Silly, I know, silly.

Truth is, you hadn't found me cause I had not found myself. I was busy walking to the rhthym and beat of everybody elses version of love and fun and success. I am the one who blocked you. You see, I understand now that you could not meet me while I was there longing for a perfect me, offering only perfect love. You could not meet me when I was confused and hurt and constantly pulling off the scabs to try to heal my wounds. It was not time for you to meet me. I could not offer you an unhealthy heart and soul battered down by confusion and mistrust. I could only offer you a smile even when my heart cried in pain and anger. Please forgive me. I fell head first into the predicatble superficial complacent life of keep up with the Joneses and missed you along the way. I missed your smile and your laugh, your gentle touch and tenderness. I missed the way we could look at each other and knowingly smile at the way we look at the world. I missed being supported and loved. I missed the opportunity to be there with you when the hurt came, I missed being the safe place for you to fall when you were tired. I missed the petty arguments about nothing. I missed all of that growing and changing that you've done. I missed it, caught, stuck in the idealized fantasy world that I created based on lives and lies of other people.

Baby, please forgive me.

I have grown up now. I have been hurt, true, but I have grown up now. I look forward to sharing my life with you. I look forward to it and I am ready to love now. I do not keep the anger and hurt in my heart for others because it needs to be ready just for you. I am ready now. I can stand the storms with God, you my family and friends. I can love you now. I know myself and I can express what that means and what it does not now. I can communicate my desires now, and I can be honest about what I don't know and what I am afraid of. It was a hard but necessary process I had to go through, but, I am here and I am ready. Or rather I am still readying myself for your love, your care, your support. I am ready to give it and recieve it.

I realize now that I never needed the superficial or the fantasy. I need ... you. It is hard to say. I do not need to be superwoman now, cause I know that God covers me and I know that he is sending me you. You will be here with me, loving and standing beside me.

I have a place in the closet for your shoes and your clothes. I have a place in my heart for you too.

I know that you are weary of walking alone, I know you are weary of searching for me. Again, dear heart, I apologize.

I am ready to love you completely now. I know you are ready to love me too. Come for me.

Kita

I Am Finally Getting It!

2006-09-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

You know, I used to look at my profile on these different sites and say hey, why am I not getting any hits? I realize why now: I am not being fake. I refuse to be fake or to not be true to myself. Yeah, I try to joke around, but if you ask me what I want I am honest about it. To top it off in my picture I am smiling. What the heck? You mean, they smile too, even if you are not doing a thing for them. LOL. Look fellas, if you do not want anything serious do not apply. I am not a sperm depository Do not waste my time. Do not waste your time. If you want a friend, then sure nothing serious is necessaire- a pure platonic friend, that is cool. Other than that, umm float on.

See, I used to think that I was too stiff, maybe I was stuck up, or maybe I am a nerd. Hmmm. I honestly may be a nerd and a bit goofy, heck I might be a bit stuck up. LOL. Oh well. Anyway, at any rate, I have decided that it is OK. Whateva. I do not have to have a lot of guys interested in me on these sites. It is cool. A lot of the guys on there are trying to hit it up and hit the door. It truly is cool. The sad thing is these guys who behave like this are not 20 nothings, they are in their late 30's - 40's. I know men like to feel virile and sexy and desired, but dang son. Don't you realize you ARE going to get old? Why be old, used and worn out and maybe possibly ill in a hospital or with your mama, your sister them who are putting up with your cranky butt? I mean, on the real, I am not going to want you. Why not someone you decided to share yourself and your life with caring for you and knowing that you like fresh sheets that smell like sandalwood oil and 3 spoons of sugar in your coffee and a lot of creamer early in the morning? Why choose that getting used by a young girl life cause anyone in a two mile radius can tell that she really don't want you but she will sure use you life? I have uncles who live/lived like this. In the end, we, the fam, ended up getting them and giving them peace and a lil' joy. They agonize often over the "good" woman that got away cause they were young and stupid. Thay are the ones who told me to go into deeper waters and be available to different races. I did not want to do that though. I kept blaming myself, for the entire situation.

I finally get it now. It is not me. Not in the way that I was thinking. I am a good woman. I do have standards and no they are not superficial. I am waiting for the man who wants to do right for and by me. Why, you ask? Cause I am that good woman who does for her man. I have a good and full life. I follow God, I love my fam, friends and myself. I look out for my community. I am a good, loving, caring, fun, full figured woman who prefers her life with little to no drama.

See, guys are always saying that they want a good woman. What is really occuring to me is that guys do not know what in the heck that is. A woman who does not have kids, takes care of her own life, prefers to laugh than to argue? One who is respectful of you but assertive, what son! That is not how black women are suppose to act. I mean, she is not cussing you out or acting a fool, rolling her eyes or going off about a bunch of petty nonsense? No son, that woman there ain't for you.

For a lot of guys, until you grow up, you are right. I will become a better person, I will be a good woman. I will not stop being myself to make you comfy around me. If you ain't comfy with me being me you DO need to float on.

I finally get it. I though for the longest time it was my weight, and to an extent for some guys it may be. However, weight can be loss. A nasty attitude and a tendency to cut you down is something that can be a lot more damaging, a lot more hurtful and frankly a lot harder of a habit to break. Then I thought it was my mouth, cause I can be a smart butt, but it is all in fun. I ain't trying to hurt you. But you know what, I think that it is my confidence and it is the fact that though there are some guys who like women who have character, morals and love to laugh there are a lot of guys who could not identify a good woman if she stood in his face and smiled all dang day. He can easily recognize Mz. Liar, Mz. Good Sex but Stupid, Mz. Gold digger, and let us not forget Mz. New Booty, he can easily recognize them, but when he gets face to face with a "Good " woman who loves and respects herself and would gladly do the same for him he is instantly clueless. What I have heard is that there is little to no fire there. I chuckle when I hear that ignorance, what you mean is the good girl does not try to play you for a fool and goes off on your silly behind only when it is really necessary. Truly stupid. The sad thing is that they always get that you are the "good" grown, intelligent, sweet woman that they DO want when you walk away, or they do. A few months, a year later your phone is ringing and you hear regret and clumsy attempts to fix the disrespectful things that they said or did. To bad the guy does not grown man up in the beginning.

Guys, stop regretting and get to know the woman and her mind and stop just thinking with Mr. Small Head. Get to know the woman. It will make your life so much easier. Trust me the "good" women are out there, you just keep passing her by.

Kita

New Day...

2006-09-05T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll. It is a new day and I am loving it. The sky is a bit foggy, just like my brain (lol). The temp is cool, and frankly I can see the sun beginning to peek out, like it is feeling free to share itself again today.

This dating thing is kinda fun and a bit challenging. Got me questioning myself and picking the negative about myself and this dude. Truth is, I do not know him. Truth is, there is no reason for me to want him in my life. Umm, I do not know him.

Sometimes when you are searching, being available for love, you go a little berserk. Obviously I have dipped into the nitwit pool. Thank God common sense rained down on me this morning.
However, it is tiring this dating thing. So many people, male and female are playing games. Guys come with hang ups, and we do too. I have experienced so many guys behaving badly that I stopped giving them a clean slate. Unbeknowest to me, I start putting guys all in the same category. My bad. I do not want it done to me, and in addition to that, I will miss out on my blessing, meeting a great guy who may not be a life partner, but at the least a good friend. Why should I do that to myself. I won't. I choose to love me and to be available for a loving, caring, good - right for me male life time partner. Dating will get me to that person, so I will date.

My philosophy is if not for me, maybe for someone I know. If I have not shared any intimacies beyond that of friendship with the guy, why should I care? I know it may be harder than it sounds, but heck, I want my friend/ associate to be happy too. I want to be happy as well, so I do not block blessings. Besides that means blocking my own. Umm, that ain't gone be ok shawt.

Sometimes I get really caught up in me, my life, my wants. I become very selfish. I have to take myself off of the throne and place God there. When I let Him have His rightful place my life moves easier, and I do not act like a mad woman. I have done this with guys in the past. Why should I make him that important to me anyway? What if he ain't for me? Wasting time becoming emotional about someone that I should just smile at wish them well as they move on to meet the love of their life. They taught/ teach me a lesson, sometimes about life, sometimes about men, most times about me and my long list of issues (lol)!! It is all good, cause trust, I will love the Queen. I will be victorious in following God, loving me, loving you, and getting rid of fools and living successfully and fully as a grown and blessed woman. K?

On occassion that demon desperation raises her ugly little head. That demon fear is her mother, really. When I took the issue to the Father, he stamped it out. Told me the monster was dead, and to keep dancing to the tune that He placed in my head. He does have the man for me, and I need to continue to take care of me and my life, He has the love part on lock.

So I walk in the fog, dance in it, cry in it knowing that I am being guided through it, and that there will be times of beautiful sunshine. Keep smiling anyway. Favor is my best friends and falls fresh on me like morning dew, every day. Ya' better know it. I will continue to take care of my home, my finances, my education, my health, my life (social and otherwise), my spirit and soul. I will continue to be comfortable being me in my skin and I will remember that I am here to love and be loved and that I am enough where I am. If that is not enough for the men that I meet until I meet the man that I am meant for, let them dance and float on. I am enough. Not too much, not to little, enough. I am a work in progress. If you can't get with that, you can move forward too.

My goal in relationships is not to change or improve a soul. Nor do I need that from anyone I have a relationship with me. I can encourage you to grow, to look at life differently, to relax, and heck yeah to laugh. Encourage me to do the same, esp. the laughing part. Laughter is great for the soul anyway ;o)

It is a new day today. Glad to see it and be a part of it. Thank God I am off of that throne and out of the nitwit pool. Common sense reigns again.

PS - Do not get it twisted. I am still the Queen, but even Royalty must answer to a Higher power.

Kita

Available...

2006-09-04T12:21:00.000-07:00

What can I say? I am going to keep giving it my best shot. I do not think that they guy I went out with last night and I are going to make it either. I think the guy has his eyes on several people. It is cool, I am not in the chasing guys down business. I called him back and he did not call me "can I call you back?"

He was cute, intelligent, smart and attractive. However, I do not feel like... well, he made this big deal about my calling, so I made sure that I did, and you know what, he has not called me back yet. Sigh... I know that guys are into doing this right now, this playing games things, but I am not. I will move on. No games allowed, hell it ain't me, so why should I fake the funk?

You know it is hard out here trying to be authentically yourself and being available for love too. I sometimes want to leave the relationship thing alone. However, I am not gonna do that. I deserve to be loved, to be cared for, to show that love to someone else.

I have never claimed to be perfect. I hope the guys I have met, and I meet until I meet the right guy finds who he needs/ wants/ God chooses for him. I am gonna remain available for that god blessed and given love myself.

Yeah it hurts, no doubt. However, I deserve love, I deserve care, and I am willing to be available for it. I will be available and I wish the other gentleman who moved in and out of my life for that brief period well.

Kita

Dissapointment- Smiling Anyway

2006-09-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am very dissapointed in how or rather how the guy I was talking to did not take any initiatives, and he took none. I know what to say about this. He really is not into me, and I do not fault him, he does not know me. I would love to say his bad, but frankly he does not know me and he lost his chance, all because of lack of initiative.

Guys please come and get your balls back, really, I do not need them. No woman does, but thanks. I am not running a guy down, I am open to a good relationship. That is it. I do not mind showing interest, in this day and age every body who is in a relationship wants to be wanted. I ndo understand that, but i still expect a guy to take the lead in a relationship. If it is going to fast I will let you know, I will slow it down, I will, if I must, walk away.

I am still available for a good man. The proud, the true, the real, the caring, the considerate, the loving, the attractive, the supportive, the intelligent, the humorous, the protective, the communicative, the employed, the honorable and the respectable. Oh yeah and he has to take the initative, so a guy with some balls.

Pray for me ya'll. I will continue to be available for a real genuine mutual love. To give it and share it. I am holding out for love.

Kita

The Carter

2006-08-31T11:38:00.000-07:00

Boy, I wish we had an honest, upstanding prez back in the White House. I do not care what anyone else said about Clinton, I did like him, however he was most definitely white. Let us not even began to talk aobut our current president.

Our government has forgotten its obligation to care, to see, to feel and to help cause we are all caught up into what we can buy, how we can impress - truth is there is no real value in material things. Gluttony is a sin ya'll. Now when people hear fgluttony they think of heft boys and girls, and that is gluttony, but usually that is also pain and fear. REAL gluttony is when you try to keep and squirrel away all the best resources for your self with no regard of the plight of other people. Yeah, big business I am talking to you. Yeah lobby groups, you help them, so I am talking to you as well. See, when institutions to lock folks up instead of lifting them up, when 3 strike rules can forever abandon a person in an angry state in a 10 x 10 cell, when companies, ie, Dixie Crystal start building prisons to invest in for the coming cash of housing inmates, I gotta look around and say look at my country locking all of these folks up and not giving them a chance to redeem themselves, or get their lives together and helping that business make money off of stupid, ignorant mistakes.

No, I do not support rapists, theives, etc. However, it is a proven fact that they become more vicious and better criminals in jail. Read a book sometimes and stop listening blindy to ignorant rhetoric from politicians who creatively have their hand in the pork barrel too.

I miss honest politicians, those willing to take a risk for truth, to speak the truth, to hold on to it, to base and live their lives according to it, I miss honest politicians. I want Jimmy Carter back. Not perfect, not charasmatic, just a good guy doing the best he can and telling us honestly what needs to, has got to be done. You know, kinda like the good woman/man you have in your life you don't want to let go. Yeah, the strippa is good to be in love with from a distance, but too many has loved the schemeing chica up close and personal. Charisma fades, dies, and lies. Skin deep, like some of those friends you have had to rid yourself of over the years. Charisma ain't nothing. I just want an honest, lets get it right and treat everybody as well as we can president back. One who truly knows he works for the people and not the other way around.

We do not work for the govt', they work for us. I get disturbed when I hear people lamenting on how the folks in Louisiana should have been prepared and govt' is suppose to help, it is up to the private citizen to be responsible and to to do for themselves. We, are the govt'. We pay taxes to keep up this country in each and every way that we can. We also pay taxes to help each other, the least of the folks. The 20's financial crash happened, that is why the social plans we have came into action, because we decided that we are responsible for helping each other. Our interconnectedness is what we stand on, are based on. We are the United States of America. We are the govt'. They are here to help us all, especially in times of crisis. The guys up there are to do their jobs and to help with all speed when an issue arises. To do less says something about me as a citizen. I am uncaring, I do not see, I do not emphatize and mourn with them. That is a lie, and I do not appreciate my govt' representing me in that fashion. We are to help, so therefore the govt' is to help because right now the individual is not capable of doing so. making excuses when the tragedy is over and things have not improved does not solve the problem, nor does it make the government right for their current inaction. If it can be them, it can be you, so take your head out of the sand, and demand that common care is taken. These people paid their taxes, they got insurance, everything they could do to hold on, to get back, to rebuild their hard earned land. For ignorant statements to be made becasue in addition to this they were poor, doing the best they can and had no way out of the area ticks me off. Nobody in that area deserved that. If your neightborhood gets a storm that lasts for 30 days causes a mudslide I would not blame you for not being prepared, for not moving on despite your financial situation or lack thereof. I would expect, I would demand, I want the government to move their butt and to save you. I wonder if those who make these kind of statements would think so highly of their "personal responsibility" if the previous situation was them and their lives? I already know the answer.

This ain't about Republican, Democrat, or any other political party. It is about my self and everyone who is a citizen of this country and this country's politicians who we elect to represent up, using the resources that are available to save and protect us when times are good and when diaster strikes. My country, one of the richest countries in the world has become laden and fat, gluttonous with greed, money and power. Atrophy of the heart, has set in, and the Sleeping Giant cannot move quickly to effectively protect and support its own. The humanitarian image has been shattered by this throughout the world. Welcome to being looked at in the way we have arrogantly looked at other countries. Watch as they challenge our rights to say our opinions etc. because now we have no basis to be "morally superior" What say you about that personal responsibility crap now? We go to Indonesia to drop food but cannot move our own citizens into nearby states?

Frankly I am so angry and dissapointed, and at the core of it hurt. I do not care for the president, I never thought he would languish and not demand assistance for his own people during such a diaster, that the congress would. I never thought that they would cease to care. I never thought I would note such inaction on the part of the media, my govt. I am really ticked off as I read stupid racist, ignorant comments.

It is time we concentrate on our own issues at home (US) when we don't understand the plight of our own struggling people, when we think that they want a handout when a diaster strikes them instead of help something is seriously wrong with how we see ourselves and the world at large.

Kita

RE: N' Orleans the Gulf & Lazy Politicians

2006-08-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

Again. We are gonna have to talk again. Why, well you are not listening to me. So here we go.

YOU WORK FOR ME. From the President to every person who reports on some date and time in Congress. Yes you do. Time to get a performance report. All of ya'll take your seat and listen with rapt attention. If you do not I will send a New Orleans resident who cannot go home, found a relative in squalor and deceased in their home, go up to you and give you a slap in the face and a kick in the behind. Really I will not care what they do to you. Maybe they will have a hunting accident too. Allright. You may be seated. Be quiet.

Now I have not said anything about the money being spent with no regard for the common American citizen. I have said nothing. My fault. You should have gotten written up then and some of you should have been fired. Let me put on the song to let you know that your time IS coming if common sense does not began to rule. Let me remind you that it is your job to protect the citizens of this country in as reasonable a way as possible. You are failing. We are dying. ( background song - Let the Bodies Hit the Floor). Look if you cannot do your job you will be fired, your body will hit the floor.

I listened in horror and I watched Spike Lee's documentary in abject disgust. With you. I am disgusted with all of you. How dare you not clean up that mess? Those building that cannot be salvaged, that do not smell of human remains should be pushed down and destroyed immediately. No one should see their home in such a fashion. No one should come back and mourn and be in more pain than they are now. Remove that waste, those homes immediately.

About the human remains. Get cadaver dogs and let them do the search before the houses are demolished. Common. Sense. Do DNA samples immediately to find out who these folks are. List the names, if possible in major newspapers. If not possible, have every major metro area in America have an area available so that the residents on N.O. can go and get their DNA compared to those of the deceased. Prepare a place and a way for these people to be put to rest. Do your dang jobs.

Get the property tax rolls and contact the people who lived in these neighborhoods, after you have demolished their homes. Offer 15% above far market price for their homes. If they want to come back, have their foundations lain, water, gas and electricity ready and have the framing of the house and roof done. No just selling someones hard earned land. None of that. Encourage big business via serious tax breaks to work with getting the people the rest of the work they will need to have done.

Encourage businesses to go back to the gulf. Again, tax breaks just like you do with everything else that you care about. Make sure LA get money from off shore drilling. A fair percentage.

Go to the Netherlands and find out how the Dutch effectively prepared their levees to protect their folks. Build the damn thing. IT AIN'T YOUR MONEY. We can finance NASA, let us not even discuss Iraq, we can protect the people of LA with a decent levee.

Stop sitting back and not calling the media on the carpet for calling the resident refugees. They are citizens. Demand that they treat our suffering fellow citizens with respect. And oh yeah, stop lying too. Just tell the truth. We are going to find out anyway.

YOU WORK FOR ME. As one of your many supervisors, let me inform you that I am going to do my best to get rid of you all. Your work is sloppy, haphazard, you clearly do not care about your duties anymore or you have forgotten them or worst - you supplanted the ones I gave you with your own. Selfish. You are late for everyday work, and too late to respond effectively to emergencies. When asked questions you answer in vague incomplete statements that literally mean nothing. The polocies you create are not for and by the people but for an elite crew. Middle, working, and the poor need not apply. Your focus is on money and making power. I looked away several times because power corrupts. It truly does. However, your lack of basic human care due to your pursuit of money lets me know that in your case it has started atrophy and decay.

I would wish you well. However, when I see and study and hear more facts about the hell you have placed the people of New Orleans, Mississippi and other affected areas in, I simply want you to know that the hell you created you will enter. All in due time.

Again, you are asleep at the wheel - or perhaps you are drunk off of your drinks of choice, money and power. I am tired of getting hurt in the wrecks or watching others get hurt due to your inattention. I can't sue you because you are at the head. I did place your there. However, I can ensure that you get a dose of what you have done to some at the bottom.

Enjoy the ride at the top for now and I suggest that soon you anticipate the hard and painful tumble down.

Your dissapointed and ticked off employer,

Citizen Kita

N' Orleans

2006-08-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

Every time I think about when I and my friend going to visit that city, walking around, being welcomed, laughing, gambling eating and exploring, every time I think about that city I smile. Then I sigh, and my eyes well up for I know it will never be that way, not like that again. Some of the culture moved on, some of the people out of necessity had to start new lives. Blessings to all of them that could, that are trying to. May favor fall on all of those who can't because of the pain, the hurt and the grieving.

Every time I think about the money we spend on Iraq, how much business Haliburton (sp?) has earned for themselves and the workers who daily risk their lives to create and fix their infrastructure but leave my people, the poor, the disenfranchsied, the middle class, and yes hugely black folks on the coast, I get so angry so mad that my govt' cares more about turning a dollar somewhere else that helping those who help keep this economy moving, who woke up every day glad to be an American, a citizen, who made the N' Orleans I remember. I get angry. I think about the businesses that had to go, the small businesses that had to leave, that will never recover. I am so angry and hurt. I am hurt that there are some out there that are so ignorant that they get caught up in their stereotypical responses, their dogmas, their parties that they lack the human capacity to see the people.

Via the pictures, it looks like a third world country a year later, but it is my United States. It is my home. It looks awful, the people are suffering and the government is sitting on its laurels instead of investing the time and the people to get this place, the coast, back together and on its way. Help at the least to get the infrastructure back, water pipes, gas pipes, electricity. My government sits on its laurels, but hey, they did have a dinner to commemorate today at the White House. They should help. The issue with the levees was known about for years. For years. The least they can do now is help fix the problem and assist for once in making sure that it is a fair situation and that the new businesses etc have to purchase the land and create neighborhoods that are inexpensive for the working class and the poor. some of those folks had their homes for generations. It is not fair for big business to be able to swoop in and create a place for additional income when this is where people used to live.

I am going to watch when the Levees Broke tonight, and I am going to cry, and I am going to send money when I can and my prayers to the folks who lived and those who perished - always.

I am not so relaxed to say that God will handle it. Yes, he will, through you and me. That is what we are down here for. To all those who make that ignorant statement, keep it to yourself. We are interconnected. We are suppose to help and uplift each other. When you make that statement that negates your responsibility. No, you cannot fix the world, and you were not asked to. But do not pretend as though those who see the destruction and get angry and want something done are ignorant fools who cannot see the hands of God. They can, and He is pushing them, calling them, asking them to do what they can, even if it is just sending a few dollars if possible. Those same people are the kind of folks who would have gone against Moses, cause why complain when things were better with the Pharoh? Why struggle and turn the waters and make them angry? Why eat manna in the wild when we get food in Egypt? Why march out of our "paradise" into the unknown, into the wild? The answer is that God called them to do so and to set them free. Frankly I see God's hand in that, the call to arms, not the call to sit on your butt and pretend you do not see, or that it could not possibly be you. It could be you. For that selfish reason alone, stop making statements like you get their pain and their angst. Their communities, their churches, their life - yes their lives are gone. I want them to move forward, but I do not want to become callus to their feelings. I would not sit back and let anyone make such a comment about the folks during 9/11 and I will not sit back and listen to that garbage now.

Truth - yeah some issues came with them moving into some of our communities. It happened all over. But there are bad apples in every bunch, heck there was some there before they came. No, I do not want them to add to the issues, but it ain't all their fault either.

I can't do much but I will do what I can. That is all that I can do. However, when the Levees broke it was a call to me that it is time to stop sitting on my butt and start trying to assist in making changes when and where I can. I have not regretted making this decision. I will not look back.

Kismet

2006-08-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

I believe in kismet. I believe that you meet people at a specific moment in your life at a specific time. I believe in kismet.

I just met this young lady in my para class who told me that she wants to be a part of making policy and decisions and making other folks lives better. I believe in kismet. Why, because ultimately that is what I want to do to. I feel like a lot of what is going wrong in our society on the govt. , business and non profit end are the policies that are in place to support them. They are not there to support assist and improve the life of people. They are hugely restrictive.

I have decided that I will finish up with my associates, go forward and get my bachelors and then get my masters in public policy. Urban public policy ya'll. I feel like crying, cause I know that I am on track.

Nothing feels better than that.

So when you meet new people and ya'll vibe, know that there is a reason and learn from it. Maybe you should look out of their mirror for a while so you can adjust your own.

I believe in kismet. Thank God for that.

Kita

Met Somebody..

2006-08-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

I met somebody. Not a weirdo, not a freak, not someone who when they speak I feel like saying stupid but cute MIGHT make up for it. I met somebody, and no, he does not look like a model, he looks and sounds like a grown man. He makes me laugh, he considers my feelings, he makes me feel special and pretty and... I met somebody. Not a fool, not someone who can't hold a conversation or rushes things, I met somebody.

All of my eggs are not in this basket though. It is just nice to finally have met a nice guy, who I was not gonna call cause I like guys to make the first move, but he did not. I met him on a site, which frankly I had given up on and though not bitter about it, I had no more expectations from.

I do not have any expectations, but I do have a date!! I amlooking forward to it. My hopes are up and everything. I met someone ya'll. HOPE the trend continues, this good thing happening while I am just busy holding on to faith thing. Thank you God for this, regardless of how it may go. Thank you.

Shut Up!/ Celebs

2006-08-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me. I listen to some of the folks who are around my age (30+) amazement. Yeah, I like to read about celebrity's, but honestly, on the real I could care less.
I care about my life, your life, your kids, the community at large, the nation, a game that I or you play or have interest in. Do I really care about the state of anybody on TV's relationship, anybody who is on the radio life - really, truthfully, no. They are entertainment. They are here to entertain me. I pray for their souls, I get concerned when they seem lost ie Lauryn Hill and that MTV unplugged thing when I could feel the pain in her voice, or when they are doing something great... volunteering their time or putting their money some place real. I look when they seem they are being genuine or might have rocked an outfit that is cute but, if you look at what I am describing you would also know that it is the same concern that I have about you, just basi interest and concern.

I ain't never been a fan like that. They are getting paid to entertain me. Do your job, I might buy a ticket or watch you on the screen. Entertain me, dang it.

Talking about God, your taxes, your life, your relationships yeah shawt I can listen to that for hours with rapt attention. However, after about an hour or two, shut up about Beyonce' I ain't got nothing against her but her songs went off about 1.5 hours ago and you are still talking about her. Frankly her music may affect my mood, which does affect my life, but only if I decide to really pay it some attention while its playing. Unless you are a teenager or a young adult, shut up. She has entertained me and she may go now. Yes, I am the queen and she is grateful, all the entertainers are. Without my interest and listening as they entertain they can't get paid. Just like your kids in those school plays. I showed up and that was enough, I won't come again and I will NEVER pay to see your kids at this point cause I am giving support to them, I do not feel entertained, unless of course you are thinking about that kid that fell on the stage. I digress. I feel the same about The Game, Jamie Foxx, Bobby and Whitney and the other list of folks that entertain me. I want them to do well and then I want her to move on with their own lives too. Tired of hearing about their crap and relationships to the 9th degree on every station and every thing when there are real things going on out there. They do not want us to know about their sex lives, relationships etc. cause they are messed up like our own. Fine with me. Heck I like to hide away from reality at times too, but I do not want to stay hidden under the sand, feel me?
Try this. Talk to me about your career, your dreams, your mama and 'em. Get something else in your life beyond the stars who are living their life by the way while you sit here making the same 10 cents I am making. Get on with making plans to fulfill your own dreams and create your own version of success. Stop following people who can't decide to move on past their teenage years, their college hang ups, got more family issues, drug problems and still trying to prove who and what they are by what they got. You already got family you can watch for this stupidness anyway, the only difference is that it hurts to watch them. Please, for God's sake and purpose, get busy with your own dang life. It is too short as it is.

For this reason, if that is all that you can talk to me about, your apparent envy about these folks taking a chance living their lives and what they got etc., or their apparent desperation or stupidy please get out of my friendship circle. Stage left or rightI really do not care. I hope you make it onto your own damn stage someday. Don't you understand that there is where you need to be to make the most out of your own life? Dumb bunny.

Kita

Treating Me/ Learning

2006-08-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

I am going to the gym. I have a trainer, her name is Robin and it is obviously Robin's job to kill me with exercise. She says I will love her later. Yeah. Right. Probably. Right now I wonder if I am insane for going back to the gym. I am going to go back, so currently yes, this is madness. Oh well, I am use to being a bit mad, what's new? Also the idea of being in shape, looking great, attracting guys and being my naughty, smart mouthed, sassy, classy, fun loving self like I KNOW I can be is a wonderful idea. I got a lot to lose, and honestly it is kinda scary but really fun at the same time to imagine what risks I will take, and I know it will be MORE than what I take now is like... whooooaa. I am a risk taking full figured woman, believe it. That is a bit scary.

However, I know that in realityI am treating me well. I love being treated and feeling special so to the gym I will go. I will defeat diabetes and get off of these dang meds. I will be fine, and sweet, and sassy and classy and daring and risk taking cause, hell... I do it now so I will simply do more of that stuff. Sweet. I like the idea of living my life more fully. This is truly treating me with love and kindness.

I am in school. Both of my teachers seem to be nice. Hmmm. I know that they are going to give me assignments that will kick my butt but make me a better legal researcher and to get ready for the para work force. Good. However this means less sleep, less free time, less kick it with my girls times, less get to have a relationship time. Hmmm. I must be crazy, look at what I will lose, right?

However, I know that this going to school thing with the 3 million assignments is really taking care of, treating me. In the end I will have a good job, a good life, and I will be able to travel. This will mean taking a risk, and though I like taking a risk, this means stepping into a small firm. I am scared, but hey, I gotta take this risk in my life for myself. I am tired of driving downtown to the ATL. Heck, I may meet my future hubby as I go back and forth to work. So you know the gym and school goal thing kinda ties together. I will meet new people and look physically good when I do so. Plus plus.

Yeah. I am treating myself with love, kindess and genuine care.

I am signing myself up to join this massage joint. You join as a member and pay half the price to get massaged, relaxed and spoiled. Yeah! I will be there once monthly, no doubt. I am loving this gentle, kind, caring, loving me genuinely thing. I am getting my hair done as well. Look out Sept. 1. My poor hair. Oh well. It is going to come out the pocket but again, I am learning to treat myself with honor, care, kindness, and genuine authentic love. This treating myself and looking out for myself, caring for myself, genuinely loving myself thing is great.

I am going to get up and take my butt to church at 7:30 am. Lord. I know, I know. Ain't you gone be tired ask my ol' complacent self. Probably, but luckily I can go right back to sleep. For sho'. Then I can get up and relax in front of the TV for a while, go visit fam, prepare my weekly schedule. Have a relaxing day.

My soul and spirit will be lifted by other believers when I go to church. God is always with me, so the feeling and love I always feel from Him will be intensified.

I am learning to live and genuinely authentically love myself, honor myself, take care of myself. I thank God for this walk that I am taking. When the road diverged from others I moved forward with my hand securely in His.

Woman Up

2006-08-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

Ok. It is time for me to woman up. It is time.

I am doing my nails, doing my hair, and writing out my plans for the remainder of this year. I will also get the food and other issues that I meant to address, get them addressed for this week over my weekend. It is time to woman up ya'll. I am writing back the companies that can assist me in getting a job closer to my home with a good salary and excellent folk to work with. It is time to woman up and start flirting again. I got my mojo back, my silly but bold stuff back, now it is time to woman up and get the whole back up and running. What is raggedly or not working or I can't/ have not been able to get to it- that situation there shall be fixed. Time to pray, flirt, get in a relationship, meditate, go to school, hold down a job, visit and support friends, go to the gym, handle it - make a priority list prioritize and get it done. Got to get over the possibility that people may think that I am a bitch, or a pushover or a victim. I gotta do what make my life work. Create a wholisitc life schedule and come up with a better use of my time so that I can reasonably do the things I need to do for me including rest.

Excuses ain't pretty and they ain't necessary and they do not fix the problem nor do they make your situation better. Nothing worth it has gotten done without a plan. Even if God comes and shakes those plans up, you gotta get your stuff together so that you can be prepared for your come up when the opportunity presents itself. Always. Let the little things flow, big things adjust and change when neccessary but if you ain't got a plan you are just waiting to land in a pile of sh**. Nonna that. I have neglected coming up with a God led, love led, life giving plan for my life. That sitauation there ends today. It is time to get my finances and all of that together. This is about my life. My happiness.

Allright now. I have spoken/written and I am out. Gotta get this ready for Monday morning. Womaning up this weekend. Enjoy your weekend. I will be enjoying mine.

Kita

Love...

2006-08-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

What I want in a man. I want a good guy. Simply put. Not perfect or rolling in dough, but someone who does the best he can, pushes for more out of life and himself yet knows how to enjoy everyday life. Someone with morals.. you know that stuff and a great sense of humour. It should not be so difficult but Lord help me I live in the A. Fake BS is ruling right now down here. People coming from evrywhere wanting a new life presenting a fake one, they do not even know what they really want or what they are really about but caught all up in the Atl mystique, but not knowing the core, "be yourself shawt" Same fakeness that happens in Chicago, NY, LA, Texas etc. Nothing new. Atl is just the flava right now.

Lord knows I have dealt with plenty of mothaf%$#@ that I would not like to ever see again. Full of bull, full of crap losers. Why did I attract said bs, cause I believed it was all that I was worth. Either I was a pushover in the relationship or the pushy bitch. Neither one was really me. The pushover was desperate, the bitch overprotective, cynical and out only for self. Both were extremes and both were hugely selfish. Instead of letting guys really see me, I gave them visions of fascimiles, and ultimately disrespected myself.

When you are not true to yourself there is a serious lack of self esteem and respect. In addition to this you do things to have people in your life that you ought to kick in the azz. Oh well.

I am considering getting back into the relationship scene. Not concentrating on it, getting in a relationship, but being and enjoying myself and having a guy around who enjoys me, adores me like I should be adored who I can love and honor back. It really should not be that dang hard to locate but it has been. I was not ready for love, I understand now that I could not truly offer what I did not have to give. I cannot love someone else when love for myself, respect and honoring myself is that damn difficult for me, how could I attract it and how could I honestly give it when I do not know what it is? So I am available for love now, but I am an amateur in love, believe me. I understand India.Arie when she says that, but thank goodness I learn quickly, or at least I diligently try. I will never have it if I am not available.

So I guess the question really is what am I really ready for? Am I really ready for love? I do not know, but I am available for the next love experience. I want to share my heart and my world with someone. Sex is great, but it is not all that I want or will accept. I deserve, want and will have more. The wait is worth it, cause I am and whoever I am to love, to meet and share my life with is worth it too. I hope he is ready or getting there too. Hell, I can be rather impatient, and that is not me being a bitch, bruh that is definitely part of the package. I would say sorry, but I am sure you will bring your share of habits to annoy as well.

Until I meet this person I will keep praying and hoping, keep enjoying life, keep growing, keep pushing for a better life, keep loving and being me. Moving forward. Always.

Kita

Move Forward

2006-08-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Do not be afraid to move forward. When you can rest, rest. When it is time to move, move. Do not wait until complacency is impossible because you are that uncomfortable about the current situation. Keep your eyes on your goals and move when it is time, when you become restless. Seek and be open to possibilities and opportunities.

Some folks are beautiful and pleasant seasonal distractions. Like dogwood flowers or cherry blossoms. Some people are like fungi beautiful but dangerous to your digestive system. The distractions are there so that God can do the other work that needs to be done in your Life for His Purpose. Do not call or assume that distractions are friends or are really concerned about you. Whether they are a pain in the butt or you can grin and joke with them accept them for what they are. They are the first line to let you know when it is time for you to move forward - they begin to slowly whither before they fall. They are like leave beginning to change on a tree limb, their color begans to fade and they are not that brilliant and vibrant, fact is they are rather small, insignificant and dull. Let them die on that limb painlessly, the way they came in. When you note this is going on, remember this too, it is more than likely in some area in your life, time to move forward. Remember you can spot these folks when the season changes - they will do so as well and in dramatic fashion, bud to blossom, ashes to ashes, and then most certainly dust to dust. Wish them well and move on into your destiny. Move on into your spot light and pay attention to the scene that you are starring in now. They are major players in their own play, they were a brief interlude and short time player on your stage. Wish them well and grow. Move forward and push on. With a smile ya'll, always with a smile.

Kita

Reluctant Leader

2006-08-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

I have always enjoyed standing in the background and encouraging others to move forward, to make a way to the front of the line. I have always lived like this, had my life like this. It never occured to me until today that this is part of my problem.

I am a reluctant leader. Yeah I will lead if I must. The sad thing is that, really the truth is that I lead well. I try to be fair, I take a stand when I must, and I try to understand even when taking that stand. I encourage others to do well, brow beating folks does not work.

I am beginning to examine where does this reluctance come from. I hate the pressure of it all. I am afraid that I will fail and ruin something or really cause harm to someone by my decisions.

I cannot please everyone, and though I am accustomed to not being part of the crowd, a part of me often longs to be a part of the crowd. You know what I mean. Right?

I am a reluctant leader cause my parents are too. I am a reluctant leader. But lead I must. It is in me, and though I do not wish to do so, I often find myself in the drivers seat with other people looking to me to see what I am going to do next. Though I usually beat up on myself about some failing that I have others look at me and ask what am I going to do next. Though I do not see myself as all that daring others chuckle and say that they figure that I would be the one to do or try such and such.

I keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself until I feel like I must say something and the person looks at me and states that I make a lot of sense and looked at the entire thing and not the part and how much they appreciate that. They began to ask my opinion on other things and then when I expouse my views and the whys behind that I get incredulous looks with additional questions, like they can't beleive that I look at life that way, or that I look at everything wholistically - everything in the end gotta work in tandem together to make the whole darn thing work. Duh. But I realize now - esp. after talking to others that a lot of folks do not think like that. I have often heard folks label me as a firebrand, and a quiet , very observant, strategist. Hmmm. My watching skills do come in handy. When I learn what works and what does not I remember and I apply. Hmmm.

The leader in me is currently being asked to stand up more, and to extend that look - that wholistic living strategy - into my own life. The leader in me is being commanded by God to get used to the fact that there will not be a lot of folks who understand me, get me or like me and it is time to get over it. It is time for me to stand and do my part, whatever that is and whatever that entails. Hmmmm.

I keep praying and walking forward. Don't want to think toooo much, but I do understand that I gotta sit down and get me straight. I am on my way with my plan. I will be standing up more now. Lord knows I do not really want to, carry through, the complaints and criticisms.

I do this reluctantly, but I will do this. Especially once I get it straight all that I am going to have to do. Pray for me.

Kita

It still hurts..

2006-08-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

Every time I see the review for this movie - The World Trade Center- I cry. I can't help it. My heart still hurts for the families, for New York, it still hurts. Though I have never followed any administration in the White House blindly, nor have I ever claimed to be a patriot to a huge extent, I cry every time I see those pictures, I see the towers I see the people. I cried a little as I read the review about the movie.

I can't go see that right now.

It is like when I see the pictures of the Katrina tragedy, ain' nothing funny or healing about seeing that right now for me. Maybe one day, but right now it still hurts.

Me Time

2006-08-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I keep reading female blogs with the same theme that I have "It is time for me and me alone" "If the right comes along great, if not, oh well"

Men, I mean how can I put this. We ain't stressing no more. I do not know what happened. Once upon a time I cared to death. I mean, I desperately met guys, got used, had to act a fool a few times, I mean - the whole yard and line. What happened? I think I realize that I need me. I will say it again, I Need Me. More women are getting the same frame of mind. Why, you ask?

My life is simple without you. Nobody I gotta keep reminding I am not their mom, not a maid, not their personal anytime freak (I gotta work man!). My life is at peace, no arguing cause the house is quiet and there is a game on, no looking in my fridge and wondering if you know what an apple looks like. None of that. I am not explaining myself 24/7. I don't have to listen to explanations 24/7, no silly baby mama drama, no having to tell somebody that my change is good for me and having to justify why I am changing - why I gotta change for me. No boxes for me to stay in for another's sake. True respect and love of self is what I am getting now, no bs allowed.

Now do I want to be in a relationship? Not right now. Right now I am getting to ME. I have stopped equating being alone with being lonely or not being complete. I have married friends talking about regrets, how they wished they could do, what they wish they could do, how they love their life but not all of the drama, the discord, the fighting to get someone to understand that just because yes they can find the energy to do, they need sleep too. They need rest too. They need to hang out with their girls too. They struggle to get him to get the kids, to keep the kids, or he complains and rants on and on about what he did, that he washed clothes, fixed a meal, cleaned up a lil' somethin'. Naw, none of that right now. In the future, the next 2-3 years yeah, a relationship will be cool. Right now I am learning, growing and getting me in shape physically, spiritually, emotionally. None of that other stuff right now.

Kita

Foul Mood

2006-08-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

I am in a foul mood. I mean foul. I have not let anyone else get a dose of it, but I am in a foul mood. One of those jump off the cliff .... no seriously jump, why do I care mood. I do not know why. I tried to brush it off a few times, but it keeps coming back.
One for the records ya'll. I do not get them very often anymoer (lol), I use to have them on the regular, but today, I do not think it would take much to set me off.
Keepin' to myself, keeping to myself.

Kita

Time...

2006-08-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

Choices.

I am making a choice - Gym 3 times a week. Friday, Sunday and Tuesday.

Food - I am restocking my fridge and pantry and counters with health, good tasting snacks and foods.

School - 2 classes next semester

Work - Open for opportunities - bring the good ones on!! Favor is pouring in and on me.

Changes are coming. Feel it in the air. It is my season, I am enjoying the rain. Growth is on the way.

Love, romance? Ummm. Not right now. Getting me together now. Remembering what I want. I do want a good relationship, but I gotta be able to offer the love and life that a guy wants to right? Not picky about the complexion, want a good connection though. That is a must. I want to be in shape, I want to feel comfortable with my own body and in my own skin. I want to have the courage to dance in front of other folks, I want to be free to sing and be myself. I want to release this weight, I am going to release this pain, this fear. I am going to accept the new changes - I gotta do this for myself. I gotta do this. I am honestly scared as hell of all the changes that I want to make. But you know what, I have done the same shi* long enough. I am not happy there. Time to move forward to something different and I have a funny feeling immensely better.

Time to walk out there into the darkness and pray that God can teach me to fly. Wish me luck ya'll. Here I go again, taking more chances. Who would have ever thought it, huh? This is my season for personal challenges and growth.

Kita

Know that you are worthy/ Success

2006-07-31T06:27:00.000-07:00

Know that you are worthy of being loved well. Know that you are worthy of a person choosing you to love and to assist in your growth. Know that you are worthy of that person and all that they are for you. Know that you will freely give that love back, and that love you give freely is what makes you so very beautiful, alluring, someone others desire to know.

Know that you are worthy and that financial and emotional struggle is not a part of God's plan for you. Growth and learning is a part of God's plans for you, not struggle. You decide to struggle. Know that God has plans for your life so planning and challenging yourself to do better is a good thing, having goals is a good thing. Do not struggle so against changes when they come, sometimes God has a bigger purpose and is putting you on HIS track.

Know that you are worthy of every gift God has given, every smile that you get each day, every uplifiting voice that you hear. Know that you are worthy.

Know your worth and your worthiness. Do not let another convince you to give it away or that you are worth nothing. Surround yourself with others who plan to reach their goals through work, dedication and drive, not through cutting down the hopes, dreams and aspirations of others. Life is not a competition. Only you can do what God means for you to do in the way He needs you to do it.

Don't believe the hype that unless you are making and have such and such you have not succeeded. Leave those outward lies of success with those who know no better. A successful life is the one with little stress, enjoyment of fam and work, a desire to do God's work and to do so selflessly. It is not stressing about bills because you live below your means. It means living fully and enjoying each day lifting up others, and enjoying the world we live in by visiting and experiencing, being open to others experiences and opinions while maintaining your own. Loving another, that is success. It is not a Jag, or the latest gadget. It is having a life you love, with some extras along the way and relationships with people you love as well as being secure as possible with your financial standing. No stress. Much Peace. This is the recipe for a successful life to me.

Kita

Gotta Get that Black Vote - Republicans

2006-07-28T05:32:00.000-07:00

Allright. Look a here Republicans, for too long you have not given a damn about those who needed help or assistance unless it benefited you. For the entire length of this current "administration" the Exec. in charge has ignored us, ignored others, and pretended that the poor, working class and middle class do not have eyes to see and cannot notice, that as he said in the Micheal Moore classic "that rich people are his kind of people" and that is a true statement. Please, I am sincerely curious, why should I believe his - or for that matter your drivel now? Why pay attention to me now? Did somebody in his administration sit down and read the book "Covenant with Black America"? Thanks Tavis Smiley. Did someone put him on to the fact that African Americans are beginning to see how can they change and benefit their own communities and make them stronger and better and are currently pissed off about how our schools are set up, neighborhoods are, party lines are drawn? Entertainment is great, but after Katrina and a few crazy things happening in our own communities we got our eyes open a bit now. Shout out and thanks to Bill Cosby. I do not agree with everything he says but his statements put the media and the politicians on notice that we are getting ready to start a movement. Heads up black leaders, it is about to begin again.

When African Americans and other groups start grumbling because they know and feel that they have been taken for granted or advantage of and start calling for change, I gotta remember to start looking out for the vultures and liars called politicians. They come to our churches because our churches are a part of our tradition, our heritage, and there is where the push for change and improvement really starts. They know this. My heritage will NOT be used against me this time. Try. Something. Else. Maybe. The. Truth. And. Some. Honest. Compassion. And. Results. Do. That. For. Me. B**ch. Ante up or move the heck on or I am gonna kick you outta that White House. And outta Congress. Holla if you hear me. *crickets* Please note everyone, they did not holler cause they did not listen, or they do not respect me and mine. We have decided to flex our political muscles again. Are you listening now? 2007 being right around the bend has made the 'Publicans a little more willing to hear me. Good. A bit to little to late, you should have been more willing to listen to me because you WORK FOR ME TOO JERK. I don't care about the fringe benefits that come with their job, power is too seductive to expect them to never abuse it, just as long as it does not abuse and hurt the public at large. Note, I said at large, not the top 5-15% of the people who have the majority wealth in this country. People who make minimum wage and up to $80 K a year , we matter too.

The Prez. The top of your party. Got a little something to say to him, and here we go:

Either way, we gone have issues padre, until you learn to do something more than be concerned about lining your pockets and those of your friends. We are gonna have issues until you cease being so arrogant that you feel you are above the law and do not have to respect the check and balance system that is the core of what this country is based on so that no area of government can have more power than the other, well YOU. GOTTA. GO. You do not respect and get what the rules are with your job and you have rules. This is not ENRON. You have rules and your job is to enforce the laws of the land. That is it . You do not get to sign into legislation parts of the legislative bodies laws that they present to you in the way that you see fit. You enforce, they create. You are not above the Supreme Court. If they say that something can or cannot be done based upon the law you are bound to support that and do so. Figure out your role and play it. You already have messed up so severly that when I see you I see images of Nixon dancing in my head as well. Get a clue. You should have been impeached 2 times over, but the Republican Congress did not do its job. We will get this straight too. Trust. A change is about to come. Beleive that. Lets not get started on the war debacle and the subsequent lies and treason by the folks in your office. Trying to joke off the fact that you did not show up to speak with the NAACP until your term was in the last 20 minutes of your party to say hello to us did not help either. Oh crap, only one year to go to ensure we get some black votes. If the black folks and other disgruntled poor/ working/ middle class folks boot/vote us out of our positons boy is the 'Publican party gone be pissed at me, time to say hey. They will appreciate that, surely. Umm. Not. It shows us that you know that this is what you are doing to win votes. No sell here. Tell me some facts and what you plan to do, keep your jokes. I do not care about your jokes. Flush your jokes. Tell me some facts and your honest plans to improve the situation you have cause internationally, financially etc. Do that. 'K? Get back to me when you are ready. Go on back to your corner and think about that. Go on now!

Even African Americans who are members of this party admit that the 'Publican party needs a lot of work and at present is crappy. They say that (Republicans) do not really understand others plights of minorites or respect our opinions much. Really? I could not tell. Sarcasm folks. Maybe because the majority in the 'Publican party , along with the president, think that rich folks are their kind of folks. Historically, you know that slavery, Jim Crow thing, well it kinda did away with the money from way back when idea. I am still recouping about that. A lot of minorities are recouping, and let us not forget the poor white folks who never had deep pockets in the first place. They wonder what in the heck is really going on with you guys and your philosophies as well. Also, I am going to, because of that history, be down for folks who are suffering and need help. Get that too, why don't you? I'll get back to you when I see you listening and making efforts to fix the mess you KEEP creating. Wait for me. I will be walking away now, 'k? * crickets*

That is why the Democrats hold our (minority groups) interest. If they (Dems) would get some cojones and take a stand a serious stand to close the gap between the rich and poor, take a stand a serious stand about social issues and other things of serious concern, they would not have a serious contender at all. If they would come up with a plan to put us back economically in the scheme of things and let the rest of the world come to terms with their issues, and how some of the crap that is going on in their countries is because they have made bad decisions in leadership as well, we could all move forward. Also Legislative folk, try using basic common sense. Welfare for instance. Try this: Give folks 3 years to do an associate program, 2 years to do a certificate program (part-time, they still gotta take care of those kids!) Give them 3.5 years cutting down their assitance as they go along. Why 3.5 years, dummy it takes a year to find a decent job in this country. Look at what jobs are available for the every day folks. Get a clue. After 2.5 years in a position they should be beyond entry level and be able to create a lucrative life for themselves. Because the economy, technology and jobs are changing leave them with 10 years to get assistance. Crap does happen. Stop thinking that making $13,500 before taxes is honestly the poverty level. That is called the starving, reason to steal and do other illegal activites to survive, or working homeless level. Get. Some. Common. Doggone. Sense.

In additon theRepublican parties lack of a backbone to stand up to the president and hold their ground until he really gets that he too has gotta play by the rules and remembers that he works for the benefit of all of the people of the US . They were suppose to hold it down in Congress until the prez got some sense and remembered his role but they failed us, that really bugged me. No Back Bone Republicans! You work for me remember? That is your job, to see about the welfare of your constituents and offer legislation and programs and supply different departments to make sure that I am covered. It is your doggone job, you agreed to it, toe the line. If not, please trust that I and others will be Voting. You. Out. of. Office. By the by, if you can let him do this illegal impeachable offense kind of stuff in your face, in our face, what did you allow him to get away with behind your backs? Huh? Too embarrased to answer huh? I would be too.

Frankly, I pick the less of two evils. That is how I always vote. I vote for who stands for what I need and want and what my community needs and wants. Get with that, or get out of my face. I could care less about who you are or what kind of money you got. If you are a dem or 'publican, black, white, asian, latino. does not matter either. Do your job, toe the line , or get the heck out of office. I pray that this time all people do the same. If they do not toe the line, vote them out. If they think that our lives are jokes, something to play with, nothing to respect. Vote. Them. Out. Let's turn the paradigm this time. Let's remind them who they work for, Dem., Republican, Liberal, Conservative - if they do not do their jobs, if they do not stand up for your beliefs put in someone new. Let's try them. This same old crap of keeping the old thing cause we know how it will screw us is tired. It is time to move forward now.

Yeah black folks and other minorities and other groups (Latinos) are remembering that they have muscles to Flex. Poor folks, when they remember that the vote is power will tool To All Politicians heads up: You will learn to respect our gangsta or be out on your ass jobless like too many of us. Deal with it when it happens. Crap or get off of the pot.

Living Free - Work/ Career

2006-07-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

I want my life to be one of purpose, and filled with cultural experiences. I want to help those that are in need, I want to be one of those folks who get up every day with a purpose. I want to be one of those people. I do not want my life to be about just laying around taking care of me and if it is not about me then t' heck with it. I do not want that.

I keep thinking about living freely. What does that mean to me. Does it mean living without any strings, just vacationing, going on trips? Does living freely mean not concerning yourself with other people? Does it mean shopping and gathering up more stuff? Does living freely mean just simply enjoying life period? The definition for me is a combo.

Living freely to me means not being concerned about how the bills are going to get paid or helping out someone else if they are in need. It also means being able to get myself things that I want on the regular. It means that my time is not eaten up by work hours but are balanced. It means having a healthy relationship with myself and others. But back to the career side of the deal. There are numerous ways to get to this point. Numerous paths available. Working long and hard hours for a business. Working a 9-5 position with much clout but lil' work. Starting your own business and working hard at that. Assisting others with their business. In the end it is all about how to make the mula. The real question comes with the how to make the money. The focus, because all of us are so very multi talented, again, where and how?

I always beleived that your life should be about things you actually care about. So I began my trek to become a paralegal. Focused. I can assist folks on a lot of levels with that Associates degree. But my desire to be around art has also caught my attention. How will I make it there? Art. Culture. Could that too become a part of my career? Hmm. Entertainment Law. No. Perhaps at some place like Care or a museum etc. Maybe. So those types of intergrations can happen. My mind also began to say and even with that the art must make a difference, must expose other folks to the world, and not just the wealthy. They have enough advantages. I am interested in getting to that ideal. I want that. I WILL get it.

To me living and doing what you love, what you like, even doing some of the duties you don't care for but heck it comes with the job (filing, typing, copying etc.) that is being free at work. If I can assist somebody else and make a difference, that is what I want to do.

I want to sing too, and I want to write. Those things I can do as well and do well thanks. My art may not be available for the general public, but I need art in my life like I need solitude and God. I need to have that beauty that comes with art, that creativity in my life.

My friend longs for a life where she can do what she wants when she wants. That is a good thing for her. I can see her being happy doing the traveling and calling all her own shots. Yes, she would help others along the way, but in a different way from what I want/need to do. Actually, she is the reason that I began looking at what did I need to become free. I can see myself doing that which she is beginning to get into, to have additional cash, yes. Is it the life for me, no. I can see myself opening up a place for children, women, men to enjoy art ~ books, music, good food.

Honestly, my heart and life and pulse beats and moves with the people. I like people, with all their crazy and different ways of looking at life. Heck, I am an empath, I cannot help it. That is why playing superwoman and protecting myself in relationships, gaining weight etc. made my life easier cause it made some folks decide not to deal with me in the first place. Good, I can see you are walking breathing trouble. I got enough on my plate. Holla back. I am always reaching out to help someone I really should slap instead. *sigh* Unfortunately the good jobs available to folks who like to do this type of stuff are usually very hard to locate. I know God will help me though with this quest. I will be fine. Just gotta map out my plan.

Anyhoo, I am glad to know what that living free thing is for me. Gonna get free in some more ways very, very soon. I will be going natural again. Beginning to think of different ways to pay my bills and finish school going full time. I want a bachelors in ..... can't call it yet, just know it has to do with folks. International relations, public relations etc. I feel it in the air ya'll. Another change is about to come. Oh well. Rock on.

Kita

taking a min. to be Thankful for what is truly important

2006-07-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

I am taking a minute to remember what is important to me. I mean IMPORTANT to me. I sometimes get so caught up in money and its facade of success that I need to check myself. So I am taking this moment to remember what is truly important to me.

God is important to me. Look. On the real. Most of the time I am confused and do not know what the sam hill I am doing. I do not know where I am going. I hear a voice that says keep on walking keep on moving and trust me. That is why I do what I do, that is why I am who I am. I trust and love God. God is important to me. When nobody else understood me, listened to me, consoled me, told me to hold on and to keep my head up, God did. When no one else came around to love me, I knew I was loved in the midst of it all. When I was right, wrong or indifferent, God showed up. When I came to this planet, He blessed me and gave me breath and life and thoughts and personality and the willlingness to learn and to become humble and to grown and to seek and to love. I know that God is important to me. He is.

I am important to me. It is imporant that I live and fulfill my purpose. It is essential that I keep reaching and take care of my body, take care of my soul, express myself, and love me. It is essential that I dare to be myself and respect myself and forgive myself. I have a purpose and a reason and it is essential that I share my love, concern, hope, wisdom and dreams to those that I can, heck to the world. I am important to me. I am important to God. I will take care of me and all that that means.

My familia is important to me. They look out for me. They love me, though they do not always understand me. They remind me of where I am from and where I can go, what I can do and what I can be. They lift me up when the world tries to crush me, and will defend me to the bitter end, they will stand by me until they can stand no more. My family loves me, and I love them. They are important to me.

My friends are important to me. Some are crazy, some are nuts, some are sweet and some will try to ride my butt, but they love me. They care. They stand up to me and put up a mirror so that I can see myself, both the good and the bad. They are my extended family. They lift me up and tell me to go ahead and touch the sky. I love them. They are important to me.

My community is important to me. It is important that in large part I feel safe. It is important that my neighbors look out for me and my home. It is wonderful that there is a mutual feeling of respect that we share in our community. I enjoy my neighbors, and they too have become my family. They are important to me.

Not once did anything that I note as important to me have anything to do with money. Yes, I am blessed to have a house, I am blessed to have a job, I am blessed to have a car, I am blessed over and abundantly with things . Yes, I am. I am thankful for all of it. However, I am thankful for the relationships that I have with people too. Thank you God. You blessed me with these people and things. I will continue to appreciate them.

You pour favor and blessings upon me. I am/will be forever grateful. Amen.